I never though that I would find her.

Actually I thought that she would find me. For some reason I though that I would get a knock on the door and she would be just standing there. It’s never happened, i’m still expecting it though, although the postman now thinks I fancy him.

I got an email about a year ago from someone who said she knew her. Yes, knew her, in that she was dead. Died 2 years ago in fact. My half brother died the year before from a drug overdose. However I still have a younger half sister. Well that is what she said. She never replied to my email back.

I’ve posted messages on hundreds of forums over the years, my email address keeps going out of date, and each message is a good record of how I was feeling at the time.

Take this one; I was 18 at the time.

“looking for ——– ——, i just want to talk to you, I don’t want to hurt you”.

I don’t think I was thinking straight, it actually makes me seem like a stalker.

I’m older now; it’s probably 10 years since I began hearing the knock at the door. I tell myself that the search is for the sake of my future kids. That I need to know if i’ve inherited more than just brown hair, brown eyes and a short stature. However, if i’m honest to myself, it because I want to see someone who looks like me, that when I look in their eyes i see someone who is part of me looking back. I’ve never wanted to be a famous face. Actually without it sounding like a cheesy cliché, i’ve just wanted to be a recognisable face to someone.

I wonder sometimes if there is anyone else out there who feels like me. So I go back on the forums and read other peoples messages. They all seem so sad. So many people looking for their missing links. I think reading the forums is my dirty secret. I’m always thinking that I will recognise someone on there, that i could help them where I never been helped. That I could be the missing link. But like my story, I never can help. There are just too many people out there looking for someone.

I’ve called this ‘search search survive’, after the Tricky song. The next line of the song goes: say you’re lucky alive.

Kx