this road I walk is paved with good intentions
To the outside world (and the ex) I’ve breezed through this break up with not a care in the world. In real life i’m a bit of a cold fish, an ice queen, a closed shop, indeed I’d rather invent a crisis than talk about my feelings to anyone. To my friends I’ve taken it in my stride, brushed off the shame, buried the pride back under the surface and got myself back out there, back on the horse if you will.
But despite popular opinion I do have a soft centre (ok, it may be coffee flavoured but it’s still soft) and everyone, cold fish or not needs somewhere to vent. So, against my better judgement it’s only on here, to the internets at large, that I’ve admitted that i’ve been feeling rather sorry for myself; as of course, in the real world, pain and shame don’t go away without a large prescription for Xanax. (Been there, done that, I like my world with sharp edges thanks).
So, it’s to you that I can admit that I can’t stop myself squeezing out the last drop of self respect that I have left, scab picking, poking the remains with a big stick (pun intended) and risking disproving the mantra nobody has ever died from a broken heart. I’m doing everything that my better judgement would normally hang me out to dry with. No one said giving yourself a reality check (or a dose of He’s Not That Into You) was going to be easy.
In the harsh light of day I know what i’m doing is wrong, that I’m setting myself up for a further collapse, but harder, further, even more humiliating this time, but if there is a small kernel in my mind that I can fix something that i’ve broken, then why shouldn’t I try? Until that rollercoaster dumps me at the end of the corkscrew once again, i’m going to put my hands in the air, scream that I want to go faster and enjoy the ride. At least it’s living.
Kx
“if there is a small kernel in my mind that I can fix something that i’ve broken”
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I have no self respect left and I loathe myself for it. But if you don’t try you’ll never know
x
I have sooo been there. Standing in the rain is my stocking feet, knowing logically that I was wasting my time but unable to stop.
You do what you need to do. You will know when you are done.
I love this post. At least you can feel you are being true to yourself through all this.
And I do know what it is like to keep a smile on your face and keep on walking for the sake of everyone around you when you feel like crumbling inside. It’s hard work.
Vent away, no one passing jusdgement here.
As long as you have a coffee flavoured soft centre, I know I am hanging around.
Helen and Tara Ouch, i really hope I can persude myself to stop by that point. It gets one try and if that doesnt work then its time to move on, however I feel!
PP Thanks very much! Yes it is hard to keep smiling, as i said, if i can fix something ive broken then its worth one try
Josh You actually like coffee creams?!
That’s what blogging is for- venting, communicating, talking things out. And making perverted jokes (well, that’s mostly just on my site). So, I hope you can get through this, and write what you need to write to help you through.