To the outside world (and the ex) I’ve breezed through this break up with not a care in the world. In real life i’m a bit of a cold fish, an ice queen, a closed shop, indeed I’d rather invent a crisis than talk about my feelings to anyone. To my friends I’ve taken it in my stride, brushed off the shame, buried the pride back under the surface and got myself back out there, back on the horse if you will.
But despite popular opinion I do have a soft centre (ok, it may be coffee flavoured but it’s still soft) and everyone, cold fish or not needs somewhere to vent. So, against my better judgement it’s only on here, to the internets at large, that I’ve admitted that i’ve been feeling rather sorry for myself; as of course, in the real world, pain and shame don’t go away without a large prescription for Xanax. (Been there, done that, I like my world with sharp edges thanks).
So, it’s to you that I can admit that I can’t stop myself squeezing out the last drop of self respect that I have left, scab picking, poking the remains with a big stick (pun intended) and risking disproving the mantra nobody has ever died from a broken heart. I’m doing everything that my better judgement would normally hang me out to dry with. No one said giving yourself a reality check (or a dose of He’s Not That Into You) was going to be easy.
In the harsh light of day I know what i’m doing is wrong, that I’m setting myself up for a further collapse, but harder, further, even more humiliating this time, but if there is a small kernel in my mind that I can fix something that i’ve broken, then why shouldn’t I try? Until that rollercoaster dumps me at the end of the corkscrew once again, i’m going to put my hands in the air, scream that I want to go faster and enjoy the ride. At least it’s living.
Kx
I woke up this morning with a spring in my step, a smile on my face and a cat on my head. Today was going to be a good day. For one I knew I wasn’t going to end up with a 2 mile walk home in the pissing rain in high heals snuffling about ‘the bastard ex’; my Counting Crows tickets* had arrived and a box of four toffee cup cakes had been delivered as a present. What’s not to love?
Ok, I know it’s Monday and I shouldn’t be feeling this good, especially as i’m now well enough be back in work, but look, godammit, I can have a good day.
Even the universe is on my side “You don’t have to take everything so seriously, Wee-H. Reality isn’t black and white, answers don’t have to be yes or no, and absolutely nothing has to happen today.” and thank god for that, I can put myself (and you poor lot) on a self imposed Christmas break from sorting out my life. Especially as i’ll have plenty of time to wallow when I spend the whole of next week at home with the parentals in deepest darkest Cheshire drinking gallons of Baileys and eating my body weight in pigs in blankets, and to be really honest, I dislike self indulgent therapy type blogs and annoyingly this has become one.
So as you Americans put it, time for some time out.
But whilst I’m in recovery I better give you something to read, so get over to ‘Um Now What?’ to read my first guest post HERE
I’ve also been trying to get around your blogs today to leave a little comment love and i’ve added all you nice newbies to my reader (blog roll will get updated when I can be arsed) but i wanted to say hello to…
Sarah Von @ Yes and Yes (a traveller chick who for 11 months has only being wearing one contact – huh?)
Hedgewytch @ Widdersyns (Tarot cards, bollywood?)
Kylie’s Random Thoughts (she’s just started so go say hello)
Belle @ totallyshould (is she good luck chuck?)
Muffy @ My friends are sluts (I just love this blog name!) and
Tish Tash @ My telephone booth (Im particularly loving the sarky writing on this blog, a girl after my own heart)
and the new boys…
Brennig Jones (a man with a horse, and no that’s not Sophie)
Dungeekin @ Diary of a Geek in Oxfordshire (politic extraordinary and a bit scary cos hes so clever. And funny.)
If there are any more lurkers out there, say hi too (pretty please? For my xmas present?)
And i’ll leave you with the only xmas pic from me you are going to get. (I promise, ok, maybe I lie a little).
Mwah
Kx
*at least that’s one thing I got out of the ashes of my relationship, he gets the Ray Lamontagne tickets. I win
Experiencing major highs and lows is one of the joys of this rollercoaster we call life (thanks ronan!). But going from bouncing off the walls planning my escape to which ever english speaking country will take me (and give me a job) to crawling along my hall floor because i couldn’t hold myself up any more due to hysterical weeping goes way beyond what i signed up for.
I guess you are all as sick as me of all my recent woe is me crap and be assured that following abject humiliation brought on only by myself i’ve finally given myself a kick up the ass.
Yes life is tough, life is humiliating, but my life is my own and i’m not going to let a man who wears white pointy leather shoes get the better of me. I have much to be thankful for and much to plan and look forward to.
So,
I’m going to reread ‘He’s not that into you’ and not scoff this time;
I’m going to not call Alan Carr and his ‘Easyway to give up smoking’ a total con artist and try again;
I’m going back to dancing next term (with knee pads this time);
I’m going to get out of bed every morning and not let my illness take control of me;
I’m going to change my empty rainy day account (its always raining) to a healthy looking i’m out of here one;
I’m going to stop thinking i need a man to make me ‘me’ and make me, my family and friends the centre of my life;
I’m going to stop wishing i have what my sister has and realise what i have isn’t worse, just different (and that goes for anyone elses life i get jealous of);
but most of all i’m going to stop wasting my life on continuosly bemoaning the fact i don’t have a life and i’m going out to get one.
Kx
P.s Pitches for the best country for me to head for are welcome, but advice that i’m running away however is not!
I’m sitting here at the bottom of my own wheel of fortune, the lowest of the low in the relationship caste system. But instead of getting off the wagon im travelling on, putting the pain to bed and working out where the hell i start again, i’ve realised that something has to give – if my relationship ideals are to stay the same then something has to change.
If you knew me, you’d see a veritable Peter Pan, floating through life but never never seeming to land. A youthful outlook, no cares for the future, onwards to the next adventure! But if i’m honest with myself i’m not Peter, i’m Tinkerbell.
I’m a sparkle, destined to be a flight of fancy for a short time before it burns out, a toy to be played with before something more exciting comes along. I might look and act like peter on the outside, never caring what happens next but i’m really feeling like i’m stuck on the outside looking in.
How i change this i don’t know, all i know is that you might think being a fairy is perfect for this time of year, but this tinkerbell wants someone for life not just for christmas.
Kx