1. Thou shalt not try to talk to me whilst the following programmes are on TV: Hollyoaks, Come Dine with Me, Masterchef, University Challenge or football games involving Aberdeen or Liverpool FC. You can however go to the shop and get fags and chocolate for me while I sit there with my feet up.
2. Thou shalt not complain about my total and utter addiction to reading emails, Facebook, Twitter and Google Reader on my mobile phone every 5 minutes. I pay the bill not you. Remember that occasionally i’m reading literotica.com and that will be of benefit to you later.
3. Thou shalt not call me a geek because I read science fiction books with space craft on the front cover or because I like Battlestar Gallactica, Firefly or Millennium. Or get wierded out on the occasions when I watch Gossip Girl, 90210, the OC or Skins and read Louise/Tilly Bagshaw or Tasmina Perry instead. I’m a girl, I’m complicated, and that’s why you go out with me.
4. Thou shalt let me sleep with the following celebrities if I ever met them: Jamie Bamber, Nathan Fillion, Jonathan Rhys Meyers or Kate Beckinsale (yes I know that’s a girl, but she’s hot).
5. Thou shalt not complain when I sleep with my back to you in bed, snore, let my cat sleep under the covers next to me curled up behind my knees, fall asleep with the light on, or read until 3am. It is a privilege for you to get into my king sized bed with me and there is plenty of room for you and the cat.
6. Thou shalt not complain when I have made home made spicy lamb burgers and they aren’t spicy enough for you when your version of cooking is sticking frozen chips, frozen onion rings, frozen southern fried chicken things and garlic bread in the oven. At least I try to make things from scratch, have a heart and eat them all up like a good boy. Plus, yes I eat weird things like scotch eggs and cocktail sausages with ketchup. Get over it.
7. Thou shalt give me warning when you wish to have a boy’s night out or in. Talking about the weekend all week and then dumping me at the last minute to get pissed with the boys is not cool. Nor is texting me about how horny you are throughout the night and getting a taxi to mine at 3am and then pass out instead of giving me the good stuff. You can however continue to scrape me off the street when i’ve had 2 bottles of wine and a jeagerbomb and need to go home before midnight. Again.
8. Thou shalt listen to me rant about whichever of my friends I have fallen out with this week, complain about having no good friends, pat me on the back and tell me it will all be fine and that i’m lovely, buy me toffee cup cakes to make me feel better, run me a bath with candles and hand me a glass of red, like you do every time it happens, which is at least once a week. You shalt ignore the fact I act like a child to deserve all this.
9. Thou shalt not laugh at the fact I do no exercise what-so-ever and that I think walking is for fools. I know that I can canoe, run, rock climb, abseil, swim, play hockey, do circuit training like an expert, hip hop dance, dance in general, horse ride, but keep putting them off until next week. Have a heart boy its -1 degrees outside. Start nagging again in June. Yes I procrastinate, but that’s a major part of me!
10. Thou shalt love me for exactly who I am, like I do with you.
The gap between contentment and sorrowfulness is closer than clicking up a speed on your vibrator – some days it can only take a bit of blue sky, a smile on the bus or an extra chance to kiss your boy goodbye to make the world seem a better place. Or maybe, as in my case, it’s hitting pay dirt logging into statcounter to watch a lurker go nowhere. Or to sound less malicious, it’s the freshness of a change of scene away from invading parties that left a shadow over your space.
Actually, I got over the disappointment in myself that I rejoice in bully’s failing in life a long time ago. These days I watch out for karma coming around to bite someone in the ass safe in my foresight that they deserved it.
Being little (and without any obvious ugly stick beatings and a popularity with the boys for more than my tits) meant that school for me was a gauntlet of shoves, hair pulling, ink squirting and never ending repeats of the mantra that sticks-and-stones-may-break-my-bones-but-words-will-never-haunt-me.
Yes, ok, you pedantics out there, I know that should say “hurt me”, but haunt seems so much more appropriate. And haunt me they have. I’m having to relearn that I’m a good person, that I’m deserving of friends. That people who clique, follow the crowd, feel like their way of dealing with people is adult and mature and right is not the only way to go about things. That in life, when you reach a crossroads, you can actually say goodbye and confidently take the other path in the knowledge that you aren’t wrong – just different.
Today, i’m happy to be different, i’m happy to be starting to forge my life. I’m just happy.
Kx
Welcome to the new home of Smidge, you’ll notice that it’s not that much different from my old house, but im now on wordpress; hosted by the amazing Cliff Stanford (and all the design sorted out by him as well, to my annoying exacting standards. Bear with him (and me) whilst we iron out the last few problems.
Ill be back posting soon, but in the meantime, have a look around and make sure you add me to your readers, remember that im called “Smidge” now (rather than honestly something that sounded like i travel to places where i can pee on myself!) and make sure you say hi to let me know you made it over here!
Oh and if you tweet don’t forget to add me too!
Mwah
Kx
For those of you who follow me on twitter or speak to me via email, you’ll know that recently i’ve been rather frustrated, angry, down, pissed off. My life has been like a rollercoaster, full of friendships broken and mended.
Arguments, big or small, tend to overwhelm me. I hate arguing with a passion; I’m incredibly shy, i’m often unable to get my feelings across to the point that i’m sometimes left in physical pain as I can’t get the emotions out.
Anger that is not let out festers and boils over into bitterness and feeling that I’ve been somehow been belittled and bullied.
It’s a vicious circle that knocks my confidence further – however much I try to improve things. Doing one thing for one person hurts another. It’s a situation which I can’t, well, win. But it’s not about winning; it’s about being happy, with friends that are happy with me. Some days I feel like giving up on everything and starting from scratch, changing the whole ‘me’ along the way.
But what’s really frustrating me is that I started this blogging thing as an outlet for my more depressive side, my angry rants, and the things I didn’t want to talk to the ‘real’ world about. Often this means that the things I talk about are more extreme, less happy-happy-joy-joy than my real life. But it meant that I could get things out in the open to myself, get advice from people not connected to the situation and quickly get over it, move on.
But obviously, as I’m not exactly anonymous, over the last 4 years, people in the ‘real world’ have started to read this blog. I know they are there and who they are.
It’s made me censor my writing, my need for headspace, the things that made me blog in the first place.
Its time to do something about this, I can’t go on with this blog not being the real me, juicy, painful, hurtful, sad as it may be.
So, to options. Do I just close this blog and write for no one but myself, buy a diary? Do I go private? Do I move and don’t tell anyone the address, start from scratch? Do I move and let you readers know, but hide from everyone else? Or do I say fuck the consequences, name no names, be myself, and tell folk not to read?
I’m not sure the solution, but right now I need to get things out and I don’t need anymore arguments in my life.
Advice please.
Kx