Habit is something i’ve written about a lot on this blog. I’ve freely admitted that I am a creature of habit; I like routine. Smoking helped that routine. As I suffer day two of giving up (headache, sore teeth, dry mouth, twitchiness) i’ve begun to wonder if it’s not the nicotine that I’ll miss, but the routines of my life.
It’s taken me 15 years to form these routines; they are such an essential part of me they almost deserve an introduction pack. These routines make up what one of my readers (and a close friend in real life) recently pointed out – my ‘quirkiness’. It’s taken me years to workout that this is actually no bad thing. Quirky is good. Different is good. Smoking has made me.
Although now smoking is killing me. Something has to give. So its time to change the routines, change fundamental parts of me, take away one thing that gives me confidence, bite the f*cking bullet and get over it.
Kx
I get stuck on routine; this is why I have never been able to give up smoking. If my routine gets thrown out; I have a very bad day. Smoking has been my crutch for years, my bad habit,the bad side of me, my refuge i turn to when i am upset. Somehow i feel that smoking has defined the last 15 years of my life. But its not the expense, the smell, the disgustiness of it that is making me give up. Smoking has actually, finally, after 15 years had a negative impact on my health (ok the one that they have found), its time to stop.
Now this, as any smoker will know, is far from easy. My smoking habit is – 1 with coffee in the morning, 1 walking to work, 1 at lunch time, 1 walking to the bus stop after work, 1 when I get home, 1 after tea and 1 or 2 before bed = about 8-10 cigs a day (dependent on wine intake, when it increases exponentially). Up to now I have tried: willpower (lasted about a week), The Allen Carr method (lasted 2 weeks), and then willpower again (lasted 3 weeks). So on Tuesday I went to the doc’s and begged for NHS help. The prescription – patches; but the ‘step 3′ ones – the lowest dose; because despite the fact I am a dedicated 15 year smoker, it seems that as I smoke so little, NRT isn’t really set up for me.
Today is day one.
And I have a headache; my brain isn’t connecting properly in the part that remembers words, or sentences or thoughts beyond a second. The amount of nicotine in my system is twice what I usually imbibe in one day and it’s sending me mental. I feel like a teenager who has just had her first ciggy, woosy, headspinny, drugged. All I can think about right now is ripping off the patch and sticking the cancer stick in my mouth to get back to normal.
I’m not sure how that this is going to actually work, surely you are meant to cut down on nicotine?
Kx
Today has been a headachy, stressful kind of day, where I have been mainly been bitching in my head about people. So, when perusing LilLu’s Blog I saw that she had followed a prompt from the Twenty Something Writer’s site it seemed to fit my mood perfectly.
The prompt: – “We all have something we want to say to someone. Maybe it’s someone in your life now. Or, maybe it is something you wish you said to someone who is no longer in your life. It could even be Mr. /Ms. Random Person that you saw in the local coffee shop today. What do you want to say that you were never able to? You can leave the person(s) identity anonymous, if you’d like. Feel free to feature more than one person. Do it in letter form or any form you prefer. Show us that creativity!”
I decided to follow Lilu’s lead and write to a few people. So this is what i would say if i had stood up to the people who had hurt me in my life (and none of them are to regular readers)…so no getting huffy…
…..I still care a lot for you even though I know it was me who ruined our relationship. I know that I did this purely through my apathy and indifference towards you. Looking back you weren’t the drain on me I thought you were, i’m sorry.
…..I was upset on Sunday when I made the effort to call and you could barely manage a thanks and a hello. I was disappointed in you, I thought that you might realise how lonely I feel with all of you over there.
…..I’m not sorry I said ‘no’ to you today and dropped you in it. Over the last three years I have had to watch you succeed despite having no talent and no ability apart from only the gift of bullshit, backstabbing and lying. So I decided, it’s over, i’m not going to be your scapegoat anymore, that its time to stand on your own, expensively shod feet and work for your money for once. Oh and be careful, next time I wont hold back in letting people see who you really are.
…..You don’t shine as bright as you think you do.
…..Thank you for dumping me for ‘better’ friends as soon as you could, you made me realise I didn’t want or need you either.
…..Your comments about me having being on ‘good form recently’ (on nights out) have upset me, was I not a fun companion on nights out before?
…..I’m glad I married him, as I had the big wedding you wanted; now it means I can do it my way, properly, for real, for life next time; without all the fanfare.
…..Thank you for spending high school bullying me, sticking glue in my hair, ink on my shirt and bruises on my legs as I don’t think I would have moved to Edinburgh if you hadn’t. Even if back then it was running away, today I am strong, confident and better than you.
…..I’m glad I finished with you, although I have no idea why I didn’t do it sooner, when I thought you looked like an alien and repulsed me in bed.
…..I never loved you, although i said i did, i now know what love is and what we had wasnt love.
So there you go, If you want to do this prompt too, don’t forget to link back to their site – Twenty Something Writers
Kx
P.s – Emma from Because I like Waffles and Blethers gave me the Honest Scrap award - thanks Emma! I’m meant to write 10 things about me, but i’ve done it loads of times and as there are 10 things above, i think that’ll do.
If you don’t mind I think ill keep on the topic of children for a moment longer, this Sunday is Mother’s Day here in the UK. Although its now been hijacked like most meaningful days by the card companies, Mother’s Day has special meaning for me, as I have two mums to thank.
It’s no secret that I am adopted, but I rarely write about it, (you can read my only other post on the subject here). My parents were open about it as far back as I can remember – it was hard to miss, my sister is an Amazonian Kate Moss lookalike whilst I look like a pixie – and indeed the first book I learnt to read was entitled “I am adopted” (I was trying to find a link, but it was from the 70s). There is no scandal, no deep seated pain; my childhood was as good as I could have hoped for, weeks can go by without me thinking about it.
But every year, along comes Mother’s Day and I start to write a post on my adoption. Every year I delete it, thrash it, forget it, I think the process of writing about it is enough for me to remember how lucky I am.
But this year it will mean she has missed 30 years of Mother’s Days, 30 years of watching me grow up. She should be here with me when I contemplate starting my own family; she should be smiling at the thought of being a grandma, just like my adopted mum is doing with her daughter right now.
So this year, I just wanted to say Happy Mother’s Day, to you mum.
Ex