and this is you and me, and me and you, until we've got nothing left
Before you start to read, I apologise as the topic is a heavy one, I really don’t want this to turn into a health blog, but I need to talk about it somewhere. So bear with me if you please. If you want to catch up, I suggest you read this post first.
Recently, I wrote a post about facing my end of the mortal coil, the shame I felt that at times people who are so much more deserving of life will lose theirs before I mine. I wrote a post so thankful that my time wasn’t up yet, that I had so much more to look forward to, that after the scare I would get busy living, before I got busy dying.
Get busy living, before I get busy dying
Good philosophy yes? Being an adopted child, I knew from the beginning that I was lucky to have a life, so many children these days never even got a start – but I did and it’s something to be thankful for. If i’m brutally stark (and a realist) from the moment we are born we are getting busy dying; we just don’t know how long we have left – its how we look after the life we have. Somewhere along the line I forgot to look after my life. That’s my fault, and not one I can blame on anyone else.
Yesterday I came home to yet another letter from the NHS.
About two weeks ago I had a second (and boys? Maybe you should look away now…) a Colopscopy to examine abnormal cells on my cervix. Now it seems I need a follow up ultrasound, for what reason, I don’t know. I guess it’s only precautionary, but honestly however hard to try to suppress it, I’m a little scared. It’s the not knowing that’s the worst.
I’ve always thought that I had so long in life; maybe not just to live, but to do all the things I wanted to do. My early twenties have extended well into my 30s, the though of a settling down, staying with one man, a family still over the horizon.
I guess that short letter has triggered what only can be described as a reality check – Peter Pan never had to worry about cancer. Maybe I haven’t got all the time in the world, maybe it will never be for me, maybe i have found a man that loves me, but does he love me enough?. My life now feels out of control, that these tests will set me on a course for the future that yesterday i hadn’t considered, that growing up is the only way forward if i am to experience everything life could give me.
Kx
P.s Thanks for listening, Introspection in the face of adversity – a wonderful thing and i guess what this blogging thing is here for.
Lots of love. And please, keep us posted xx
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I had a Colposcopy September 15th 2007. I had cancer cells in my cervix that had to be removed. I am thankful to say that so far so good. No recurrences but, it is something that I will have to keep a close watch on forever. I know your fear. At that time, and still to this day, I don’t know if I want kids. Somedays I want one or two then I want none then I want just one. It really does put it all into perspective that we aren’t here forever and nothing is guaranteed.
Best of luck…I will be thinking of you!!
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The one guarantee in life is that it is fluid. Always changing. Sometimes we can anticipate the change and other times not. When we don’t anticipate the change, we can choose to accept that change as an opportunity or we can wallow in what could have been. I sense you’ll turn this change into an opportunity and will be eager to hear about what kind of opportunity it becomes for you.
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I hope it all works out ok hun xx
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I’ve been there, too- two abnormal pap smears led the doctors to worry… fortunately, when the test came back it “seemed” to be clear. The abnormal cells have been removed for now, but I will forever be terrified…
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Oh hon, it seems to be one thing after the other. Thinking of you and fingers crossed :0) x
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Thanks girls :0)
I know its a really common thing to have to go through, but its another of those things we never talk about to each other as its very personal.
Nilsa I agree, having this in my life is certainly making me think different about what i want to be. I guess thats a good thing to come out of something like this…!
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I’m going through the same thing. It is scary. But everyone assures me it is fairly common, and usually ends up being nothing. Will keep fingers crossed for us both.
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