*buzz buzz buzz, buzz buzz buzz*
*click*
…Hello?
….Erm, hi, it’s me…
….No…
…Yes I know I sound like her, but it’s not your daughter…
….Who is it? Well, maybe you should be sitting down….
….No?
….Are you sure?
….Ok, well it’s you calling, well me, ok, us. We are the same after all…
…Well….
…Well, I’m just calling to see how you are. To see how you are getting on without me….
…Yes, I know you left me behind a long time ago. Yes I know you have moved on; but I haven’t. I’m still stuck here…
…No, you haven’t left me yet. I was hoping you could tell me when you did it….
…No? Ok. Not even a little hint? This year? Next year?
….Ok Ok. But you are ok aren’t you? It all worked out for the best didn’t it?
…yes, right. So how does it feel?
…what do I mean? Well, don’t you remember the old you, don’t you remember me?
…yes, the hang ups, the insecurities, the lack of self-esteem….
…yes, I know this must feel like ancient history to you, but…
…alright, maybe like a lost limb?
…but does it itch? Do some of the feelings every come back?
…No. so you are happy? Settled?
…oh good…
…you have to go?
…ok…
…thanks…
…bye…
*click*
This is a prompt from Twenty Something Writers – a letter to your future self. I just thought id give myself a call.
What would you say to your future self?
Kx
right here right now
Always forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret
In the last year i have learnt…
- If you are at the bottom of the wheel of fortune there is only one way to go, and that’s up;
- But you can fix something that you’ve broken – with a little work and a little patience;
- Its better to take honesty over platitudes every time. Straight up, black and white “I just don’t see a future” is better than “it’s not you, it’s me”;
- A small effort goes a long way with people you thought you had nothing in common with, if only to make the person you are with happy;
- Agent Provocateur underwear isn’t sexy if you have to spend an age getting it on, let alone off. But a bit of squidge around the waist gives you extra on the boobs, which gives something to appreciate and grab a hold of;
- Small men aren’t necessarily small all over;
- Practise makes perfect – whatever this may be;
- Have something to aspire to, to not just go with the flow, to not hold yourself back, to actually go out and get your dream, your life, to not just be a part of someone else’s – at the end of the day this makes you far sexier than all the other cookie cutters out there;
- People can change, but you can’t start a relationship with a clean slate;
- Do not estimate the lengths boys will go to on valentines day, if only to get into your knickers;
- Make sure you find that look in someone’s eyes that tells you they can catch a dose of your crazy and love you for it; and at the end of the day,
- Men just don’t get shoes like women do.
Happy anniversary baby!
Kx
right here right now
Will I turn my coat to the rain I dont know, but Im going somewhere I can warm my bones
The clean out of bad memories is moving apace, but it mustn’t slow; the work must go on. I’m beginning to wake up to the possibility that my life has verged, changed, moved on from where i saw it to be 5 years ago; but then then thoughts about my home full of memories of the ex, of what wouldn’t be, of what couldn’t be, are still holding me back.
I know it takes time to wash a slate clean, wipe away the past, to begin to dress the future. But i’ve been locked up here tight for too long; it’s time for me to step out of the muddy waters that swirl around my door. There is a ray of sunshine peeking through.
But I can’t open the door on a completely new home, not yet, so just for now i’m making small changes that will make the big one seem insignificant after a while. A home might seem solid around you, but life is transient, letting go is just the start.
Kx
Ok, I’m a bit stuck right now for posts so I’m plagiarising topics (it’s ok if you admit it isn’t it?), anyways, clicking through to Lora’s blog i found a link to a project by Mara where every week she is “going to post a compliment to myself and a compliment to a friend” as, as she puts it, there is this “sad fact that there are so many wonderful, beautiful and competent women who suffer from low self-esteem”. But, whilst I’m giving them both props for the idea (i think its a great idea) I’m a little uncomfortable praising myself, its too American for my English sensibilities, a little Oprah.
Maybe I’m missing the point, that my so called self esteem issues wont let me see the good in me, let alone write about them. But i’m going to give it a go, see where it takes me. But instead of taking up Mara’s challenge (i’m crap at following through) I’m going to follow Lora’s lead and try for just 5. Just 5 little compliments. After everything i’ve been through recently i guess i deserve them.
1) I know my own body to the point that i can make any man i fancy give me an orgasm. I might be on the wrong side of 30 but there are benefits of time passing, of getting older. Life is far too short not to enjoy yourself in bed. (if you haven’t read the full story of this, head over to the Secret Lady Garden, you can find the story of my enlightenment here, and p.s i no longer need props…)
2) I make an excellent parent. So what that I’m a parent to two cats (whilst not being a cat person, i just couldn’t see Fin the tomcat i adopted going to a cat home) or the fact that i’m so not ready for the real thing, but I’m proud that they are happy, healthy, loving and still alive. Unlike every house plant I’ve ever owned and the fact i seem to have an inability to maintain long term relationships (yet).
3) I’m honest. With myself, with friends, with my parents, with boyfriends. It might take me a while to be honest in terms of telling something to their face, but i’m always honest in my actions towards them. This is very much something i have learnt over the years; people can change to be honest in their actions and for this im proud of myself.
4) I don’t play games. To me, game player are the worst form of low life. For what end do you need to play games? To confuse, to disappoint, to shame in the end. Like honesty, not playing games leads to an openness that in life is rarely achieved. If i like you, i like you, i don’t need to waste time pretending i don’t.
5) I’m pragmatic. What’s done is done, what’s real is real, what’s black is black, what’s white is white. Maybe my pragmatism comes from the honesty and the lack of game playing and maybe it means i never sit on the fence, but it means you always know where you are with me. There are no grey areas to me.
Maybe some of these positives have a negative, everything in life does. You can’t walk out on your path and expect everything to be perfect. These traits make me, me. They give me my quirks, my personality, they make me the person that has doubts, that gets scared. But i can always come back to this post, to look at this starting point, the point that i can now move onwards and upwards from.
Kx