I have insisted many times on this blog that i am honest, black and white, don’t do greys. But am i honestly being honest with myself? It’s no wonder that with my chequered past that i’m querying the choices that i have made. Indeed, as two of my boyfriends have gone on to marry the person they met straight after me, it seems that my insistence (in my own head at least) that i’m not the marrying type (again) maybe be scuppering my chance of finding happiness.
Hiding the fact that I want the roses around the door ideal, and coming across as a carefree, im never going to settle type, may result in fun short term relationships, but in reality it only results in confusion and muddying of the waters. So, should i be giving more weight to my niggly jealousy that my sister has achieved the perfect triumvirate when i am without a single supporter?
Maybe it is time to accept that this eternal Mrs Robinson is bored of her yet-to-be-graduates.
Kx
A few shots of the Edinburgh Canal Festival and Raft Race, June 2009. Shame about the weather…
1 phone number from a cute guy, i’m far from ready, but its flattering all the same
2 nights out to wash that man right out of my hair and send him on his way
3 unexpected emails asking to keep in touch
4 times a few tears might have leaked out whilst in public
5 bitter texts sent whilst drunk on night one of washing that man right out of my hair
6 months – the time that i’ve been told it will take me to get over him
7 long days since we broke up
8 empty wine bottles sitting next to the kitchen bin
9 pounds i think i have put on eating junk, i thought break ups were meant to make you thin
10 chick flicks watched to cheer myself up with Hollywood type movie happiness
11 times the ‘long time ago very sexy ex’ texted me last night for a booty call, i didn’t. I was tempted though, wouldn’t you be?
12 times i’ve changed my mind about going to my sisters birthday party as the older spinster (i’m going)
13 months since i’ve had sex with anyone but him
14 times i have listened to Bright Side of the Road by Van Morrison (From the dark end of the street, to the bright side of the road)
100 times i’ve said “actually i’m fine”
140 cigarettes smoked in the last week, disgusting. £42 that i could have spent on a new hair cut for a new me instead,
141 times i wished i didn’t need smoking as a crutch
1000 times i have been thankful for the last year, but wished that the time when i will look back and remember only the happy memories would hurry up.
right here right now
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me, it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea
If I asked for your advice, i’m sure that you would all say that I need to take time to find myself, to find the things that I enjoy, to become me, to surround myself with friends; but I really wish it were that simple.
I would have to go back 15 years to how that first boyfriend made my life light up and changed the way I saw relationships forever. I wish that over the next 15 years I hadn’t become so dependent on having someone by my side that loved me differently (better? More?) to the way my friends and (at the time how I felt) my family loved me.
My friendships, whilst many, are tenuous things; I often feel they could drift off if I closed my eyes for too long. Despite the hurt that love brings I have never been able to open myself up to friendship the way I have to love. I’ve never been able to step out confidently alone. My steps always falter; i’m like Bambi, all wide eyed and afraid. I’m in awe of people who can surround themselves with friends without feeling alone in a crowd. I always feel alone in a crowd.
I hide a loneliness inside that is only quenched by having someone’s hand to hold.
When you feel that other relationships don’t fulfil you the way they should, the way you see how other people have better relationships than you, its easy to get addicted to love, to having someone who looks at you in that way and like that at you only.
It’s easy to become dependent.
I think this is the most honest thing I have ever written.
It’s good to have this out. It’s good to be able to admit it. I’m not sure I will ever be able to change my spots, to be able to let go of that desire to have someone there only for me and me alone, but I will work with this.
Kx
“I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time, walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme, you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me, it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea, but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie, your eyes are soft with sorrow, Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.”
(Thanks Leonard, there is more to you than Hallelujah.)