Love is surprising
…and arbitrary and that’s why it’s so terrifyingly tenuous*
Love to me is a two way thing, there cannot be love with out love. If there is no love then there is no love. Its not something that can be measured in degrees.
Cynically, i look at people and think: are you settling, do you realise what love could be? But I don’t think i’m cold hearted, like the female orgasm, i honestly think it’s not just me, I think we all sitting here thinking is that really it? Is that really what love feels like?
I’m in awe of people who have found that mutual ideal. It’s rare and golden and it’s very hard to settle for anything else.
Maybe i’ve become jaded, too realistic, too fatalistic. Maybe I have a weird view of what love should be, but its my view. So when the tough little part of me, lets call it resilience, pops up and gives me a slap to say ‘remember what you believe’, i’m thankful for it. I’m thankful to think that maybe one day i will be sitting here writing a post with a stupefying grin on my face telling you all that i too know how it feels.
Until then i’m not going to sit and wallow in the misery that yet again i haven’t found love.
Kx
P.s am i a love cynic or right? What do you think?
Everyone needs someone who loves them back equally…anything else is always going to be a struggle..
I think you’re thinking too much. I see an entire generation of intelligent women sliding towards bitter loneliness because there are chasing an impossible ideal, placing an unreal expectation on themselves and an impossible standard on the men who are unfortunate enough to swing into their orbit. I blame “Sex and the City”.
I don’t know what I think anymore. I thought I had love. It was love me for anyway. And I know how it felt.
It was wonderful :(
You’ll find what you’re looking for xx
Donnacha
Actually it’s this kind of attitude that gives women a bad name,
So anyone who aspires for something better is a bitter old crone who is pressuring men – ha! You forget that most men looking for that love too, but we dont ridicule them and I dont hear you blaming footballers for making men think they have a divine right to chase younger women.
Anyways, we all have our own views. Yes it might be idealistic, but its certainly not bitter. Why should anyone settle for something sub par, less than we deserve?
I also think its healthy to take stock of things, and not get all woe is me, im never going to find that person, maybe i wont, but ill certainly have fun along the way….
I think our mistake is more in thinking that love is going to stay the same forever. Just because someone leaves doesn’t mean that the love was never there. Absence doesn’t take away from love, it just changes the geography.
What we need is to learn that Love is a fluid thing, and water takes the shortest course it can. Sometimes it causes damage. Sometimes it barrels through what you thought was sturdy. Sometimes it washes away all the crap that was unnecessary anyway. In the end, it helped to build your life, whether that one person is there anymore or not. And I think that is enough.
Smidge.
You don’t come across as bitter and I didn’t say you were. I said that down that path, the path of chasing an ideal, eventually lies bitter loneliness and I’m saying that I wish more women could wake up and avoid that..
I don’t think it has anything to do with my “attitude”, you only have to look around you to see that many women, especially in capital cities such as Edinburgh, are applying impossible standards on themselves and upon their potential partners. I see many female friends so intent upon perfecting every aspect of their lives that they forget to have fun. They are driven, ambitious and brilliant at their jobs, but hopeless at enjoying the moment and end up driving men away.
I am not saying that this applies to you or your situation, I was merely responding to your stated unwillingness “to settle for anything else”, anything other than an ideal that you perceive others to have achieved (and, you know, things are never actually as rosy as they appear to the outside world).
I honestly believe that the main reason men often jump ship to younger women is that it is a blessed relief to spend time with someone who is still carefree enough to enjoy herself. On the whole, we prefer the intelligence and commonalities of women our own age but, all too often, the self-imposed pressures and worries and women in their 30′s kills it.
Again, I’m not saying that this applies to your situation, I wandered in here via a tweet, I’m not attempting to defend all males and am not terribly keen on getting lynched.
bwahahhahahahaha i think you should check out the rest of my blog, jumping on a post without trying to understand the character of the person behind it is what puts peoples backs up!
I might be a 30, oops 31 year old woman, but im dont have the “self-imposed pressures and worries” you describe here, and i certainly never will. In fact im quite the opposite. I just dont settle for second best, i have one life, why waste it unhappy or feeling something is missing.
Sometimes i think men label women like you have above because they havent the balls to be honest in a relationship. The women get the blame as they are honest about looking for what is best for them. Men of a certain age cant handle that, and thats why they go running for the closest 22 year old, not that we arent carefree atall. :)
Anyways, im not a man hater, my last boyfriend (who recently ended it prompting me to write the last 2 posts) gave me all the respect in the world when he broke up with me, and it meant i was able to sit down and think, well, if he doesn’t love me the way i love him, then it isn’t love, it isn’t worth holding on to, even if it could have been seen as the ‘perfect relationship’.
Its love not a boyfriend that im looking for and i dont honestly think thats a bad thing…
And you genuinely can’t see how defensive you are being?
er, no, can you see how you are coming across?
It’s NOT about how you or I come across, I will never meet you or any of the people who read your blog, I’m just someone who happened across your post and left a response from a male perspective, suggesting that chasing an ideal might not be the path to happiness.
Instead of, say, simply disagreeing and restating that you’d prefer to hold out for the ideal, you decided for reasons of best known to yourself to attack me, absurdly labeling me as dishonest and the kind of guy who chases 22 year olds, which I’m not.
I didn’t say that you were bitter, I didn’t say that you were a man-hater, I didn’t attack you at all, but it’s interesting that you read all that into it. If you were less defensive, you would see that it was just a comment, not an accusation.
I think some ideals are unrelaistic…like me…wanting ‘movie’ love… when in reality, that’s just what you have at the start of a relationship and things settle down into something else… I don’t have grand romantic, knee trembling love…but I have someone who cares, adores and respects me as much as I do him and I think that’s better. That’s what’s there once the ‘honeymoon’ has faded….
BUT
There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want in a relationship and there is nothing wrong with wanting someone to feel the same about you and want the same things.
For the record, i haven’t attacked you, i didn’t call you dishonest, nor someone who chases 22 year olds, it seems to be you are reading more into what i say than there actually is.
If you are talking about women in general, why cant you see im talking about men in general?
Apologies to anyone subscribed to the comments who has to read this btw, normal service will resume shortly…
PJG – i agree with you, In talking about love people often think about it in terms of the movies, when at the end of the day we want honesty, respect, kindness, care and attention – that’s what makes up love, not some glamorised hollywood ending. Im talking about love your gran and grandpa used to have!
and old couple walking down the street holding hands… always makes me cry
Movie love just doesn’t exist. Relationships have problems, arguments and the rest. Love doesn’t make things easy, just possible. I’d be worried if I was in a relationship that never had any arguments. That would mean there was no fire!
Old people holding hands makes my day :)
Helen maybe thats where i go wrong, i rarely argue with boyfriends…. ;)
Donnacha… “it’s this kind of attitude that gives women a bad name”????
I’m also over thirty (31). I’m single. NOT because I don’t have offers, but because I’m selective. I’ve gone through the mill in relationships like anybody else has. I’ve learned what works for me and what doesn’t. That’s called experience. And to make the same mistake twice surely negates that, no?
So I now know what works for me and what doesn’t. And if I don’t ‘click’ with somebody, then what’s the point? To be with somebody for the sake of it? What…because that’s what society says we should do? If the ‘wow’ factor isn’t there, and you’re not getting the best from a relationship, then surely you’re best being single…to wait…until you eventually do find that. Is it criminal to opt for the choice to be single rather than opt for the first man who comes along? To me, it seems the wiser choice to wait. At least then, there’s a better chance of it working, and not wasting time in relationships which you know from the start aren’t going to work.
And no, it’s not ‘Sex in the City’. It’s common sense. And it’s not aspiring to the dream man either. It’s waiting until the right person does actually come along, and not wasting time with relationships which will never work, because they weren’t right from the start.
And Miss Smidge…I agree with you. Entirely!
Hey Nic! exactly! This is all helping me out alot, that im not wrong about wanting the best for myself. If i didn’t id be stuck in a relationship i didn’t want to be – and adding to the divorce statistics.
I dont think its wrong not wanting to end up like that!
Isn’t that why divorce statistics are at the level they’re at? Because folk don’t take relationships seriously enough to know that marriage means ‘for life’ and think “oh, this guy will do”. So not settling for second best is surely the way to do it. Sure, there’s no guarantee, but to start on a good footing with full commital is surely the way forward to hope for the absolute best. And if your heart truly isn’t in it…then why should we do it? At least we now (with life history behind us) are taking the sensible perspective. Who can honestly slam us for that?
I thought I knew what love was. And then I met Soph and my world changed forever.
See, thats the kind of story i like to hear Bren, inspiration for us all!
You’re not a cynic, you’re a realist. It’s a two way thing, and one day you’ll find the one that loves you back in the same way that you love them. I thought I had love, until the marriage ended after 11 years. I was devastated. Eventually I opened myself up again to new relationships, but real love has eluded me so far. I’m now 41, been single for over three years annd am pretty happy doing my own thing.
Now I experience a different love – that of a father for his daughter; she’s the one good thing that came of the marriage and I love her dearly and unequivocally.
Take care and don’t beat yourself up over how you feel. You’re 100% right.
Never compromise, never stop looking, never settle.
But you already know that :)
Nuf said….
Love is definitely a two way street. Otherwise it is unrequited love, and that is the worst. Okay, I’ve watched the Holiday way too much. I also don’t believe in settling. Why? You will just end up miserable for the rest of your life! However, I am also the stupid girl that compares every guy that I am meeting lately to who I believe is my ideal (a guy from London, who no longer talks to me.). *sighs*
Three from Leith aww how cute! Thanks, Im trying not to beat myself up, its tough to get through all this, but im strong :)
JoshSettling is the last thing on my mind, i wonder if this is why things never work out!
SarcasticAww :( One day someone will come along and surpass him im sure; if they do compare less, then they are right, remember that!
I have to admit, I do look at couples sometimes and wonder if they’re settling. But I guess I wouldn’t know unless I was the one in the situation. I also know you can’t help who you love . . . but then that makes everything more confusing!