you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me, it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea
If I asked for your advice, i’m sure that you would all say that I need to take time to find myself, to find the things that I enjoy, to become me, to surround myself with friends; but I really wish it were that simple.
I would have to go back 15 years to how that first boyfriend made my life light up and changed the way I saw relationships forever. I wish that over the next 15 years I hadn’t become so dependent on having someone by my side that loved me differently (better? More?) to the way my friends and (at the time how I felt) my family loved me.
My friendships, whilst many, are tenuous things; I often feel they could drift off if I closed my eyes for too long. Despite the hurt that love brings I have never been able to open myself up to friendship the way I have to love. I’ve never been able to step out confidently alone. My steps always falter; i’m like Bambi, all wide eyed and afraid. I’m in awe of people who can surround themselves with friends without feeling alone in a crowd. I always feel alone in a crowd.
I hide a loneliness inside that is only quenched by having someone’s hand to hold.
When you feel that other relationships don’t fulfil you the way they should, the way you see how other people have better relationships than you, its easy to get addicted to love, to having someone who looks at you in that way and like that at you only.
It’s easy to become dependent.
I think this is the most honest thing I have ever written.
It’s good to have this out. It’s good to be able to admit it. I’m not sure I will ever be able to change my spots, to be able to let go of that desire to have someone there only for me and me alone, but I will work with this.
Kx
“I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time, walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme, you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me, it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea, but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie, your eyes are soft with sorrow, Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.”
(Thanks Leonard, there is more to you than Hallelujah.)
I’m the same…but I have managed to have a nice time being single every once in a while…..I find the key is finding a really good friend, maybe just one…that’s all you need. Just someone to be there for you when you don’t have anyone else x
I know just what you mean and how this feels. How to deal with it…who knows but acknowledging it has to help…right?
Love can drift off if you close your eyes for too long too. Every kind of relationship requires working at…friendships and partners both.
But from the single person’s perspective…love and loyalty from a partner fades. A single person wouldn’t be single otherwise (unless of course they’d lost their partner in tragic circumstances)…they’d still be in some fabulous relationship. But friendships are more often than not ongoing. That’s why I value my friends so much. Sure, I’ve lost the odd straggler of the friend variety along the way too. But those were never the good friends. I think a good friend is an easier thing to find than a good relationship however.
And you don’t need a whole circus of friends. Just the odd one will do. I don’t have a massive social circle either. But hey…it’s about quality not quantity, eh??
It’s rough splitting up and learning to be single. I’ve been oficially single for almost 2 years now after being with the same guy for 8 years. But it can be done and before you know it you’ll be writing a list of why you like a guy but look at all the benefits of being single.
What I would say is – you’re 31, not 51. Stop frieking out and just calm down. 31 is nothing. There is so much time for everything you want to do – and more.
You honestly have nothing to be ashasmed about. We all feel like this sometimes. I know I definately do..and being single will give you time to figure it all out before you find someone again as there are plenty more fish in the sea and they are always better than the last! x
There’s nothing helpful about being told to “take time for yourself” when every time you close the door all you can feel is the crushing loneliness, the absence of the person who was always there (even at the end of a phoneline, if not physically). My mum would say that to me all the time after the breakup, about four years ago, that I thought would end me. That and “you can’t be happy with somebody until you’re happy with yourself”. I wanted to punch her. In the end, being single and flirty and catching people’s eyes and having these silly little infatuations that went on for no more than a fortnight was the most fun ever. But it’s not something you can face until you’re ready to.
And it’s such a big adjustment, when you’ve never really been single – to realise that it’s up to you to put yourself and your happiness first because, ultimately, nobody else can be depended on to one hundred percent of the time.
But like the other commenters have said, we all understand. And maybe you’ll never “change your spots”, but you don’t have to.
PJB and NicI have one, i’m lucky, in fact i have 2 that i know i could turn to anytime… im glad for them, really glad.
LizSara yes it does help, and i think that as this time im really not rushing out to find someone new to replace him that i will be able to get over this..
lainey to be honest im far from freaking out, im pretty chilled in real life about it all, writing about all the niggly insecurities on here helps with not letting them surface in real life….and yes im 31, but look 21 (ok 25) so its not like im sagging and grey (ok just a little grey!)
Miss*H ooh i hope so, i really do, im looking forward to the excitement of it all…sometime soon
lyg you are right, the only person you can depend on 100% is yourself. This break up is making me feel like changing my spots. I turned down an ex ex’s booty call (which i have failed to in the past, and didnt even look a man on my recent nights out – kinda good as its a first step to not rushing into something as a crutch.
Thanks guys xx