I can admit that i am working on me, and what i'm trying to say is…
I spent Friday night with some new ‘friends’. (I think I can call them friends, in fact id be proud if I could call them new friends). It was a chance to meet some of the people I converse with on-line (via twitter) on a daily basis, the people who make me smile, think and wonder at other people’s lives. A chance to step out from behind my monitor, to put myself and my lack of confidence on the line and well, live for real.
I had a good time. I surprised myself by having a good time. The boy said I came home eyes a sparkle – which is when he knows I am happy – and all of a chatter of the diverse group of women I had spent the evening with.
Between chats about humanism, divorce, relationships, catholicism, friendships, cats and boyfriends one thing stuck out for me the most, one question that hit me: was I being me or my blog persona? Was there a difference? Am I really me behind this monitor or me with a glass of wine in my hand in good company?
At the time I think I rambled an answer out, because the real truth is that I don’t know.
I have been blogging seriously for about 3 years now – and for much of that – no one really knew I was here. This blog was a smokescreen, therapy, my way of getting the stuff in my head out, I had never met a reader, if people read then they didn’t come on to reply, to condole, to give advice, to agree, to disagree. Then life and blogging started crossing over and now I meet people who know the on-line me, but not the real life me.
In truth, they are one and the same. The one difference is that in company I’m not as honest about ‘myself’ I am on here. I don’t challenge ‘myself’ in company as I do on here. This blog is the full me, warts and all. The bad and the good. The same bad and good that many people are scared to show the world.
But then, unless you are friends with people who allow yourself to really be yourself then you actually are a shadow of who they think they know; in the long run, I’d prefer my friends to know the real me, not some sanitised version.
I’m not yet that person, I’m not fully my blogging persona when I’m out, but I’m working on it.
Kx
I’m not sure I’m keen on blog meet ups, as in the organised type, yet. I think if I got on with someone well enough I might meet just one or two people, but I’ve never really been drawn to big blog meet ups. In those situations, I imagine everyone trying to be the person they portray themselves to be online, competing for laughs and not managing to be themselves. As in, the person that real life friends might know them to be. I think I also like the mystery of imagining, as you say, what these people you ‘mix’ with on a daily basis through writing are really like. I like only knowing snippets of what people are about, and guessing the rest, or trying to work it out.
I’ve met a lot of blog people and actually, I find that when you meet, no one is their blog persona…everyone is just themselves.
I for one am very happy to have you as a new friend.
This online v offline persona is an interesting conundrum – personally I found that when I first went online a few years ago it allowed me to explore and express my truths. Some folk find it easier to just be themselves all the time than others. Often there’s a need to conform and fit in in the real world and online a certain amount of anonymity allows you to say what you really feel and believe – some of which one could be scared to admit in public.
The meeting of the twitterati on Friday night showed absolutely no egos vying for attention – but then as we already support and encourage one another online why would it be any different!
my blog falls somewhere between the deepest part of my brain and the way I act when I’m with people I’m supposed to behave in front of.
It’s all so weird, isn’t it?