how to survive the Edinburgh Festival if you are a local…
Before you jump on me, this is a JOKE and yes i am English…
- Leave the city altogether, rent out your flat at an extortionate cost to some sucker who is desperate for a room and go on holiday. Choose somewhere hot, quiet and away from the English/American/every other nation under the sun which seems to descend on us at this time of year - basically anywhere the opposite of Edinburgh.
- If you have to stay invest in a) a big stick to ward off the nearest arty farty, posh university student in their Royal Shakespeare Company on acid garb / monk playing a violin or goth singing Dolly Parton and b) learn to repeat no! NO! NOOOO! I DON’T WANT A FLYER very loudly or you will never get anywhere, quickly.
- Invest in a pair of ear plugs. Festival go-ers have loud annoying accents and love talking about the one man and his dog with a dildo up his bum show that they have just been to see. Yah Yah Yah is much more fun to listen to muffled. Plus you don’t need to say NO quite as much.
- Learn to cook – quickly. You will not to go out for dinner for the month. Restaurants, despite having to pander to their regular customers all year suddenly put on special, expensive set menus and refuse to take bookings. If only festival goers could be hurdled into pens and fed grass , just like the sheep they are.
- Forget trying to get a taxi. Just forget it. There aren’t enough for the rest of the year let alone an extra million people who think it is their right not to have to queue. Take flat shoes if you are going out and be prepared to walk home.
- Visit Leith instead – it isn’t Edinburgh and has its own festival in June, so is mostly untouched by the screaming hordes in August.
- Don’t live next to The Meadows. If you do and you can’t follow point 1, then move to Leith. 6 weeks of the Ladyboys of BanCocks singing Dancing Queen every night 3 times will make you want to run out and stab the next American tourist who asks where the Castle is.
- Start enjoying giving tourists the wrong directions. If you see one with a map, stop and offer to be their guide. Remember the Old Town is north of the Castle and the New Town is south, the Central Bar in Leith is a great festival hangout and there are some amazing shows this year in Muirhouse.
- Avoid the Royal Mile, The Pleasance, George Square, Potterow, the Old Town, the New Town, Stockbridge, Newington, Morningside and any “official Festival” parties – they are generally crap and filled with festival and Edinburgh local wannabees, expensive drink and the acts so desperate for recognition they’ll turn up for anything.
- Draw up a hit list of comedian(ens) to spot on the street so you can mumble “you are shit” and “you wont have a show here next year” “you’ll never win the Perrier” as they weave past steaming at 3am.
- Learn to love fireworks. You’ll be bored of them by the 3rd night. If anyone asks you where the best place to watch them is, then tell them The Meadows 1) The Ladyboys will drive them mad and 2) they might get mugged like the rest of us and never come back..
and finally….if all else fails…
Get drunk. Remember the bars are open til 3am and the clubs until 5am. The only way to survive is to not remember a thing during August.
Funny. But absolutely no need for the English bashing. Why not just hang a sign round your neck saying “I am a bigot”? Tourists will all avoid you then — and that’s basically what you’re doing here anyway.
Are you a bigot if you are English yourself? Which of course i am…
Good advice, but just one thing. You don’t need to be desperate to come to Leith, it’s a great choice! And I bet you can still eat in a restaurant here. Occasionally.
Tony Haha, i love leith, which you know. Im upset I have to leave leith in 2 months time to move back to the Meadows, but at least i shall miss the Ladyboys!
A very entertaining read :)
I’m English and I’m not offended…I’d say we are horrible tourists, loud and obnoxious…and I’m allowed to say that, right?
PJB Right, we are all dreadful, wherever we go, im just picking on the English as we know how bad we are and can also take a joke.
However, its an entirely different breed that you get in Edinburgh during the festival and if you have been you’ll know what i mean!
Heheh. I like. But as I say to my (English) mate who lives up your way, Edinburgh during festival time is basically like London all of the time!
I have to say that by even mentioning English people, or indeed tourists, Americans and Ladyboys that you are clearly as bigoted as Hitler himself. Even mentioning the names of these groups must put you on a list somewhere that consigns you to a fiery eternity. That is all. Also, by mentioning said same groups in this comment, I am going to be right there with ya, so at least you’ll have company!
Ahh, got to love it when people take things too seriously, eh?
Very funny!
(BTW I’ve been to the Edinburgh festival, I’m Welsh, and we’re all just as bad as each other I’m afraid!!)
p.s. Is it bad that I like making up directions all the time?
You forgot the English students who staff the Assembly Rooms etc and think that they’re it…. could they love themselves and their luvvy power trips any more than they already do ? ;-)
You should try living in Wimbledon when the tennis comes to town. Like Edinburgh. But smaller (and yet bigger)
Del Thats why i could never live in London!
Paul Hell always seemed more interesting than heaven to me. Bad men, bad things, bad (not)living!
Aled No its very funny, evil but funny…
TFL i forgot about them, they are bad at the best of times, but during the festival i wish i had a waterpistol to ruin their artfully messed up hair doos!
nuttycow urgh, i know what you mean!
Ye’ll have had yer tea then, now feck off !
(Traditional Edinburgh Farewell)