one more step along the road we take..
29 Oct
It’s been nearly a week since I wrote that post. I must admit, that I have yet to actually do anything about it. I’ve been nowhere near the doctor. It seems I am still in denial, still making excuses. The doctor will only confirm that my head needs work, that there are steps to take. I don’t want pills you see. I don’t want to feel like this is an illness that a little white pill twice a day can mask for a while.
The last few years have been a rollercoaster of disappointments, of friendships lost, of relationships fading away into nothing, of excitement fizzling out. I wonder if this numbness I am feeling is more than a simple case of depression, but one of a protective cocoon that I have built up around myself to keep all the pressure of all that loss away.
I am comfortable with it; I’m scared that if I take that first step, the world will come rushing in around me, overwhelming me. I don’t wear my hearing aids because I don’t like the volume the world is set at; If I open myself up to this, I know I won’t like the volume of my thoughts either.
I guess that to move forward you need a spring clean. So, I am going to run an experiment through this blog, a life list, a list of all the things i have blocked out, a list of all the people i need to forget and move on from, things i need to apologise for, things i need to do.
…and instead of just writing a list, im going to sratch them all off, one by one. Whether thats an apology, getting in touch, finding my real family, being single, dumping a toxic friend, getting a divorce, what ever it turns out to be. I’m going to do it.
No excuses.
…and hopefully as i complete each step and eventually finish the list, there will be no need for white pills or men in white coats to tell me what i actually already know myself – that i have a lot to let go of…
Kx








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