Smidge

It’s been nearly a week since I wrote that post. I must admit, that I have yet to actually do anything about it. I’ve been nowhere near the doctor. It seems I am still in denial, still making excuses. The doctor will only confirm that my head needs work, that there are steps to take. I don’t want pills you see. I don’t want to feel like this is an illness that a little white pill twice a day can mask for a while.

The last few years have been a rollercoaster of disappointments, of friendships lost, of relationships fading away into nothing, of excitement fizzling out. I wonder if this numbness I am feeling is more than a simple case of depression, but one of a protective cocoon that I have built up around myself to keep all the pressure of all that loss away.

I am comfortable with it; I’m scared that if I take that first step, the world will come rushing in around me, overwhelming me. I don’t wear my hearing aids because I don’t like the volume the world is set at; If I open myself up to this, I know I won’t like the volume of my thoughts either.

I guess that to move forward you need a spring clean. So, I am going to run an experiment through this blog, a life list, a list of all the things i have blocked out, a list of all the people i need to forget and move on from, things i need to apologise for, things i need to do.

…and instead of just writing a list, im going to sratch them all off, one by one. Whether thats an apology, getting in touch, finding my real family, being single, dumping a toxic friend, getting a divorce, what ever it turns out to be. I’m going to do it.

No excuses.

…and hopefully as i complete each step and eventually finish the list, there will be no need for white pills or men in white coats to tell me what i actually already know myself – that i have a lot to let go of…

Kx

Yes, i know its Tuesday, but i wrote this last night m’kay?

Its the return of the Monday sundries post

(Otherwise known as I’m rather brain dead right now and ill just update you on my life instead)

(which if you follow me on twitter then you will mostly know already)

(so please forgive me, there are pictures…!)

….This weekend I decorated my bedroom, it went from this red hell to this calm oasis (with the cat’s investigating). It is much more relaxing now and less like a cave. I also ordered some art work for the walls

… I have also realised I am a pretty messy person; my little flat is always a tip. I drink and smoke too much when I am left to my own devises, but despite last week’s admission I am actually quite content right now, nesting…however, despite the nesting I have discovered that I have to sleep with the light on when I am alone. I’m not sure when I got scared of the dark, but I have.

…Yesterday I handed in my first university essay in 7 years (impact of climate change on the economy) which I admit I really struggled with. Somehow, when I was applying for this course I forgot that I’m not particularly academic.

…But, work wise… I am off to Athens next weekend to present at a conference on Climate Change, I admit that im shit scared as its to 200 people. If anyone knows anyone who lives in Athens then let me know, otherwise ill be spending Saturday night alone in my hotel room or eating dinner alone in a restaurant. At least there is free wifi…

…Healthwise I have contacted a hypno-therapist about my IBS and have a blood test waiting for the postal strike to end to try and find out what is making me so ill. I spent 3 days in bed last week sick as a dog and I’m honestly sick to the back teeth of it. Plus I haven’t been able to sleep very well recently, I’m currently on 4 hours a night and that’s if the cats don’t wake me up. Its getting to sleep that’s the problem… oh and waking up again. My skin is sallow, i’m getting spots and i’m walking around in a daze all the time.

…Holiday wise I am looking forward to Christmas, 11 days off and I get to give my nephew a big cuddle and see his little face open his first presents…and then pull down the tree, I am also planning a trip to Budapest in January, if anyone has any recommendations/has been before…

…I am also happy to report that Fin has now had his cast removed and his leg is slowly getting better, at least it no longer looks like it died. Here he is complete with his plastic collar, poor boy! And if you missed it, here is one of Fin’s more unusual sleeping positions. Lily’s shaved bits are growing back slowly after her op, but she has yet to calm down, even though she is meant to. She is also a little overweight and is now on a diet which she is not impressed with.

I think thats it for now…Normal service will resume when my brain is back from its holidays…

Kx

P.s how are you?

So, with the final money from the LTE buy out of our house winging its way electronically along the airways, comes the conclusion of the last 9 years of my life.

Closure is always seen as something positive; to draw a line as something you can move onwards and upwards from. A time to start afresh, to embrace the fool and start the cycle of life all over again.

But things are never cut and dried. I guess that i have always held on to the remnants of my past for too long, unhappy to let go of what once was, unhappy to really understand that i cant go back, that there is only forward from now on.

Unhappy to leave things behind.

I don’t like wide open spaces, the feeling that anything could and can happen is alien to me. I like boxes, nicely parcelled up. This is my friends, this is my work, this is where i express myself, this is where i am quiet, this is what i enjoy.

All stacked one on top of each other and never the twain shall meet.

I guess i am stubbornly refusing to accept change.

Even my illness is put into a box, an illness that is part of me, that sometimes i hold on to with both hands because in the wide open spaces it is something that is mine, that controls me, guides my life on a daily basis.

I’m rambling i know. Away from the real point of this post – that i have to let go. I have to face fears and take a step away from what has gone before, away from what controls me. Open some boxes and let what ever has gone dusty in there feel some fresh air.

To be free is to be happy and to be happy is to be free.

Kx

Today, over 8000 blogs in 140 countries are taking part in Blog Action Day 2009 raising awareness and challenging people to act on climate change. This is my little part.

To be living in the year 2050 isn’t science fiction. In fact, it’s more than likely that anyone reading this now still be alive to see it. Our children certainly will.

But forget monorails, living on the moon and personal spaceships, the way we are going 2050 wont be utopian dream but a dystopian nightmare, as by 2050 there will be over 500,000 deaths a year attributed to climate change, 120 million people starving to death and 25 million refugees looking for a home.

By 2050, a large percentage of our planet will have become hazardous to live on.

And there will be no space ships to rescue us either. Living on the moon just won’t be economically feasible; think we are in a recession now? Just a 1 degree rise in temperature would cut world gross domestic product by 1% and the worst case scenario of temperatures rising by up to 7 degrees means that some small economies – let alone being flooded out, would be totally wiped out of existance.

Still think this doesn’t affect you? Our current recession has been brought on by a 0.5% loss in our gross domestic product. Try getting a job when we have lost 4%. That’s what might happen if there is just a 1 degree rise in average temperature.

This isn’t science fiction; this isn’t Baxter, Clarke or Wells. This is science fact.

But this doesn’t have to be our future; luckily this could all still be science fiction yet to be written. If we start now, we are still able to stop climate change happening. Today the concentration of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere stands at 430 parts per million. To stop climate change impacting upon us in such a devastating way we need to keep this below 500 parts per million.

Today that should cost the government about 1% of our GDP. To put this in context, we annually spend 18% of our GDP on health care and 15% on welfare. Imagine the costs of health and welfare in the future if we don’t. In this context 1% is not much for our future.

Every day we wait, every day that politicians spend arguing in Copenhagen next month on delivering a solution to climate change, the more it will cost us. Not the governments, us. 1% right now might equal about £14bn, but next year it is predicted that this we will need to spend 2%, then 4% and at some point soon we wont be able to afford to stop the dystopian future from happening.

I for one prefer reading about it, not living in it.

So please take action:

Sign the Tck Tck Tck campaign’s “I am ready” pledge supporting an ambitious, fair and binding climate agreement in Copenhagen this Autumn.

Register for the 350.org International Day of Climate Action October 24

Join the UK Government’s “Act on Copenhagen” effort to promote a global deal on climate change

Kx

P.S you can also check out some of my favourite blogs have also given their tuppence worth too..

LizSara of If Music Be who points out that if climate change happens there will be NO MORE WINE. arghhh.

Paul at Blog on the Motorway writes a letter to his daughter

SoMi who posts 10 scary things about climate change and 12 steps she cant take…

The Solitary Panda talks about Buying Local

Crazy Brit Heaven talks about finding out more about climate change and what can be done about it

… go on, check them out!

(If you have also blogged about this please let me know!)

This has officially been a pretty shit start to the week.

So…last night, 12pm, i was all ready to crawl into bed after a night of uni work.

But, lifting up my duvet cover I was faced with a disgusting sight… there was literally shite everywhere.

Yes, the cats, the little bastard shite bags had decided over night (I was staying at the boy’s place, don’t judge me for leaving them on my own… they were well fed with tuna before I left and the next morning) that my bed was the best place for their new litter tray.

(retribution? I wonder…)

I obviously screamed the place down in horror, but shout at them I could not, the little shits have too short a memory to realise they had done anything wrong.

Yes, it was a lot of shit, a lot of yelling shit and a lot of scowling at the shits.

And pee.

Oh god the pee!

It was worse than the shit.

(yes i’m puking in my mouth just thinking about it)

(i guess i’m also making you puke too, not quite what you expect when you come to visit…)

So today, £50 later, I have a lovely new set of Egyptian cotton sheets (ok, its percale, but i wasn’t going to risking ruining the beautiful White Company ones i did have my eye on) and a seriously clean mattress so if the bastard shites come anywhere near my bed tonight…

Well, i wont tell you what ill do, but they certainly wont be getting any more tuna.

You got to love them….huh?

Don’t you?

Little shits.

Kx

P.s… last year i wrote this post – so i am just carrying on on a disgusting tradition…!

P.p.s… Its Daddy Smidge’s 65th birthday tomorrow – he officially becomes an OAP. I hope he likes his card with his money to buy his first OAP pint and nip! Happy Birthday Daddy Smidge (he who gave me my nickname btw!)

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P.p.s This thursday i am taking part in Blog Action Day 2009 – over 6000 bloggers in over 130 countries will be blogging to make a difference and raise awareness of Climate Change.

Come back on thursday to join in the debate… Oh and let me know if you have joined up (just click on the badge) so i can link to you…

This might be the fluffiest post i ever written and in the most part it’s strictly for girls. Although it might actually give my few male readers an insight to exactly how crazy women are.

I have a confession to make – I love my new handbag. In fact, to be more specific, i love my new handbag because it’s big.

There must be some kind of metaphorical or literal reference i can make here to justify waxing lyrical about a big handbag (and by the end of this post ill have thought of one) But, right now, in all honestly, i just like the fact i can get my umbrella, water, notebook, scarf, huge phone, fags, uni map (i keep getting lost), pretty much my entire make up bag, a hair brush, fruit, occasionally a bottle of wine, the kitten if she’d let me and a pair of flat shoes in there without any problem whatsoever apart from a little shoulder ache.

I’ve never been a handbag type of girl. I only had a handbag because i had to have somewhere to out my stuff (basically – my phone, purse, fags, passport, keys and that is it, I would put all in my pockets like a bloke if i could). But, for some reason i now need all this stuff. There was a time when i put a little mascara on in the morning and forgot about it. Now i know it needs a touch up. There was a time i brushed my hair once a day, never wore 4 inch heals, worried about an umbrella (i had a hood), or cared about fruit and water. But i care about all these things now.

And therefore i need a nice bad. A nice big bag.

I really don’t know how this happened. Plus today, to match the big beautiful brown leather bag i wore full make up, heals, skinny jeans, a floaty ghost top and my smart coat – to university!

What the hell has happened to me? Have i been possessed by a proper girl? And who can i blame? And can i be exorcised?

Kxx

I’m a bit of a hypochondriac.

It doesn’t help, obviously, that i am actually officially ill; that I’ve been scanned, tested, prodded and poked and had things inside me that are TMI. Far far too much tmi.

It doesn’t stop me thinking that the ingrown hair on the back of my leg is something worse, that the mole I’ve had since birth is getting bigger and I know I should stop biting the exact same spot on my lip when i have insomnia (oh yeah i have that too).

But, yeah, I like being a hypochondriac.

Being a hypochondriac means I worry about little things that could go wrong, not the big things that are going wrong. I like looking after the pennies as it means i can ignore the pounds.

That some days i just can’t get out of bed.
That some days i just want to turn my head against the wall.
That some days this is one day, that some days that is the next day and the next day and the next day.

But of course those days pass and i get out of bed.

…and one of these days ill just keep on getting out of bed.

…and one of these days the sun will shine and keep on shining.

“These are the days that will last forever, you’ve got to hold them in your heart”

Kx

Between being ill and attending celebrity events i haven’t had much time for blogging (or thinking) but i spotted this meme on Pink Jelly Baby’s blog and liked it, so here goes…

P.s there are lots of links in this, for some reason you can’t see them too well)

My currents…

Current Book (s): I’m between books right now (my fav authors keep putting their dates back boo…) so im re-reading 1984 by George Orwell

Current Playlist: Mostly these… Spotify link… (Patti Smith, Rolling Stones, Snow Patrol, Counting Crows).

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: flirting with models/actors at award shows just because he said he liked my shoes. I love my boyfriend but flirting can be so much fun….

Current Colour: Brown (leather) – because of my new handbag

Current Fetish: Cocosa.com. Discount designer clothes….Invitations available… addiction ahoy!

Current Drink: Champagne. Far too much of it means i flirt (see above)

Current Food: Soup, every variety, need to be more fashion modelly. I might be too short, but loosing a few pounds wont hurt my chances to stay fitting into my new DVB (Beckham!) jeans

Current Favorite Show: America’s next top model. Might be the reason why im obsessed with models right now. Oh and im enjoying the start of Flashforward too.

Current Wishlist: This coat (Reiss), a merino wool scarf and hat. Winter done.

Current Needs: Proper central heating. My flat is freezing as my storage heaters are broken. a magic wand to make me better/food allergy testing.

Current Triumphs: starting my MSc degree. I have 2 years hard work in front of me, but its all about taxing my brain right now.

Current Bane(s) of my Existence: The cats. A broken leg and a kitten that keeps forgetting how to use the litter tray.

Current Celebrity Crush: Danni – botox? What botox. Ill be doing that to make sure i look that good at nearly 40! (oh and Atta Yaqub, the flirt from the other night – he’s lovely)

Current Indulgence: Cadbury’s caramel nibbles, thank god Christmas is on its way, all the crazy chocolate is back in the shops!

Current #1 Blessing: The Boy, things are fantastic right now and he keepings having to wear that suit he looks amazing in (see holiday post here)

Current Slang or Saying: My tummy hurts….

Current Outfit: DVB skinny jeans, Michael Kors peep toe boots, black vest and all saints leather jacket.

Current Excitement: After the joys of this weekend, i’m happy to have a few quiet weekends… two parties and a celebrity fest awards and fashion show… phew!

Current Mood: Tired, a bit grumpy and sore.

Current Link: Fmylife.com because there is always someone worse off than you.

Now it’s your turn…

Kxx