It’s been nearly a week since I wrote that post. I must admit, that I have yet to actually do anything about it. I’ve been nowhere near the doctor. It seems I am still in denial, still making excuses. The doctor will only confirm that my head needs work, that there are steps to take. I don’t want pills you see. I don’t want to feel like this is an illness that a little white pill twice a day can mask for a while.
The last few years have been a rollercoaster of disappointments, of friendships lost, of relationships fading away into nothing, of excitement fizzling out. I wonder if this numbness I am feeling is more than a simple case of depression, but one of a protective cocoon that I have built up around myself to keep all the pressure of all that loss away.
I am comfortable with it; I’m scared that if I take that first step, the world will come rushing in around me, overwhelming me. I don’t wear my hearing aids because I don’t like the volume the world is set at; If I open myself up to this, I know I won’t like the volume of my thoughts either.
I guess that to move forward you need a spring clean. So, I am going to run an experiment through this blog, a life list, a list of all the things i have blocked out, a list of all the people i need to forget and move on from, things i need to apologise for, things i need to do.
…and instead of just writing a list, im going to sratch them all off, one by one. Whether thats an apology, getting in touch, finding my real family, being single, dumping a toxic friend, getting a divorce, what ever it turns out to be. I’m going to do it.
No excuses.
…and hopefully as i complete each step and eventually finish the list, there will be no need for white pills or men in white coats to tell me what i actually already know myself – that i have a lot to let go of…
Kx
Yes, i know its Tuesday, but i wrote this last night m’kay?
Its the return of the Monday sundries post
(Otherwise known as I’m rather brain dead right now and ill just update you on my life instead)
(which if you follow me on twitter then you will mostly know already)
(so please forgive me, there are pictures…!)
….This weekend I decorated my bedroom, it went from this red hell to this calm oasis (with the cat’s investigating). It is much more relaxing now and less like a cave. I also ordered some art work for the walls
… I have also realised I am a pretty messy person; my little flat is always a tip. I drink and smoke too much when I am left to my own devises, but despite last week’s admission I am actually quite content right now, nesting…however, despite the nesting I have discovered that I have to sleep with the light on when I am alone. I’m not sure when I got scared of the dark, but I have.
…Yesterday I handed in my first university essay in 7 years (impact of climate change on the economy) which I admit I really struggled with. Somehow, when I was applying for this course I forgot that I’m not particularly academic.
…But, work wise… I am off to Athens next weekend to present at a conference on Climate Change, I admit that im shit scared as its to 200 people. If anyone knows anyone who lives in Athens then let me know, otherwise ill be spending Saturday night alone in my hotel room or eating dinner alone in a restaurant. At least there is free wifi…
…Healthwise I have contacted a hypno-therapist about my IBS and have a blood test waiting for the postal strike to end to try and find out what is making me so ill. I spent 3 days in bed last week sick as a dog and I’m honestly sick to the back teeth of it. Plus I haven’t been able to sleep very well recently, I’m currently on 4 hours a night and that’s if the cats don’t wake me up. Its getting to sleep that’s the problem… oh and waking up again. My skin is sallow, i’m getting spots and i’m walking around in a daze all the time.
…Holiday wise I am looking forward to Christmas, 11 days off and I get to give my nephew a big cuddle and see his little face open his first presents…and then pull down the tree, I am also planning a trip to Budapest in January, if anyone has any recommendations/has been before…
…I am also happy to report that Fin has now had his cast removed and his leg is slowly getting better, at least it no longer looks like it died. Here he is complete with his plastic collar, poor boy! And if you missed it, here is one of Fin’s more unusual sleeping positions. Lily’s shaved bits are growing back slowly after her op, but she has yet to calm down, even though she is meant to. She is also a little overweight and is now on a diet which she is not impressed with.
I think thats it for now…Normal service will resume when my brain is back from its holidays…
Kx
P.s how are you?
So, with the final money from the LTE buy out of our house winging its way electronically along the airways, comes the conclusion of the last 9 years of my life.
Closure is always seen as something positive; to draw a line as something you can move onwards and upwards from. A time to start afresh, to embrace the fool and start the cycle of life all over again.
But things are never cut and dried. I guess that i have always held on to the remnants of my past for too long, unhappy to let go of what once was, unhappy to really understand that i cant go back, that there is only forward from now on.
Unhappy to leave things behind.
I don’t like wide open spaces, the feeling that anything could and can happen is alien to me. I like boxes, nicely parcelled up. This is my friends, this is my work, this is where i express myself, this is where i am quiet, this is what i enjoy.
All stacked one on top of each other and never the twain shall meet.
I guess i am stubbornly refusing to accept change.
Even my illness is put into a box, an illness that is part of me, that sometimes i hold on to with both hands because in the wide open spaces it is something that is mine, that controls me, guides my life on a daily basis.
I’m rambling i know. Away from the real point of this post – that i have to let go. I have to face fears and take a step away from what has gone before, away from what controls me. Open some boxes and let what ever has gone dusty in there feel some fresh air.
To be free is to be happy and to be happy is to be free.
Kx