one more step along the road we take..
It’s been nearly a week since I wrote that post. I must admit, that I have yet to actually do anything about it. I’ve been nowhere near the doctor. It seems I am still in denial, still making excuses. The doctor will only confirm that my head needs work, that there are steps to take. I don’t want pills you see. I don’t want to feel like this is an illness that a little white pill twice a day can mask for a while.
The last few years have been a rollercoaster of disappointments, of friendships lost, of relationships fading away into nothing, of excitement fizzling out. I wonder if this numbness I am feeling is more than a simple case of depression, but one of a protective cocoon that I have built up around myself to keep all the pressure of all that loss away.
I am comfortable with it; I’m scared that if I take that first step, the world will come rushing in around me, overwhelming me. I don’t wear my hearing aids because I don’t like the volume the world is set at; If I open myself up to this, I know I won’t like the volume of my thoughts either.
I guess that to move forward you need a spring clean. So, I am going to run an experiment through this blog, a life list, a list of all the things i have blocked out, a list of all the people i need to forget and move on from, things i need to apologise for, things i need to do.
…and instead of just writing a list, im going to sratch them all off, one by one. Whether thats an apology, getting in touch, finding my real family, being single, dumping a toxic friend, getting a divorce, what ever it turns out to be. I’m going to do it.
No excuses.
…and hopefully as i complete each step and eventually finish the list, there will be no need for white pills or men in white coats to tell me what i actually already know myself – that i have a lot to let go of…
Kx
Self regulating therapy. If you know that fixing these external things will help sort your head out then i’m all for it…just don’t think that when you get to the end of your list you will be magically cured. I hope it works though
L x
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Thanks hon, i doubt that this will magically cure me, but there is alot of baggage that i’ve been refusing to let go of that has got me to this point – getting rid of that is the first step. I just dont believe in paying for some ‘professional’ to tell me what i already know i need to do!
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Sounds very much ‘My Name is Earl’, but I like it!
I’m very much the same…I can’t deal with lots of issues going on in my head at once. It’s overload and instead I can go into shut down. My only way of dealing with things is by doing exactly what you are…axing all of my demons and fixing each thing which I’m unhappy about in my life, one by one. And it certainly does work for me. I fixed a year of postnatal depression many years ago using that very technique, after giving up on medication and realising that my happiness had to come from within. And it was me who had to take charge of that. And I was in a very bad place before I came to that conclusion. I believe awareness is the key…and you most certainly seem to have that, and you have a plan! So well done that gal!
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Nic wierdly i was thinking about my name is earl when i wrote this
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Hehe, and it seems to work for him too! Well, umm…scrapes he finds himself in aside… ahem
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hey,
Only just got round to reading the last one. Good on you for both posts.
We’re all here for you (and don’t think you’re any different – apart from being brave enough to write the words down).
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It will be a very good start but you might find that to really sort things out, you will want to speak to someone x
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pjb I guess ill cross that bridge when i come to it. I have left alot of things hanging over the years and i cant move forward until i have dealt with all of those first…
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Yeah I guess tying up all the loose ends first might help you…but I had a lot of those and talking to my councilor helped me just move past them.
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talk, talk, talk and talk some more. It really does help
x
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Congrats to you for deciding to take charge of your life!
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A friend once pointed out that depression is a terminal illness that requires treatment in the same way as cancer. Without treatment it will destroy your life or even convince you to take it.
The pills are not to be afraid of or ashamed of, they take the highs and lows off for long enough for you to sort your shit out.
I have been to one (which is one too many) funerals for a sufferer of depression and it was denial that took them down that sad path.
You are going in the right direction.
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