Smidge

Fitting in. Life would be boring if we all fitted in.

Cookie cutter.

Sheep.

Twin.

But when you find you are ‘different’ then you feel uncomfortable, paranoid that you aren’t liked, that different is wrong.

You forget that maybe people like you for the reason that you are different, that life gets interesting when cultures clash, that finding out what makes that person tick is part of the fun. So why do i feel so opposed to finding this out, why do I feel like I’ve been the one that puts the barriers up, the one that is quick to think that I’m the one that doesn’t fit in?

Is it snobbery?

Maybe, i worry that my upbringing means that i categorise potential men, friends, jobs as being right or wrong, suitable or just totally against the grain.

But then when i go for something that fits in i feel stifled, i get that ‘oh my god, i hate this, get me out of here’ feeling. I look at the other person and think, ‘how can you be so constrained, controlled by how you think things should be…?’

So i go for the opposite and find i hate it there too.

Do you go for what you know, or for what doesn’t know you?

There is a balance, im sure, somewhere out there.

Miss S xx

Everyone has a bad habit deal breaker when it comes to relationships. Whether this is the age old leaving the toilet seat up, or spitting, or the use of the c-word, or picking noses, or farting in bed, we all have something that drives us round the bend and makes us consider walking away.

However, it seems the boy’s deal breaker with me is the most hateful of them all, no, not my mild OCD which means I have to know the answer to every trivia question (he is slowly developing this one too) but (say it quietly) my snoring.

Ok, i’m not a hog in bed all the time – the snoring is only a recent thing which has developed with the cold that will not go away. The snoring has been going on for the last two nights and its turning the boy into a grumpy, angry, sleep deprived monster (at least I know what he’ll be like if we ever do have kids – ha!) who, at intervals during the night wakes me up to tell me that i’m keeping him up.

(I have yet to wake myself up with a snore so I have to take his word for it, especially as he tells me to stop snoring when I thought I was actually wide awake. Hum, either he is lying or I am dreaming…)

Anyways, this it seems this is his deal breaker – do not come between a boy and his sleep. I’m tired of waking up to an angry, petulant, sulky little face every half hour, im sick of the tossing and turning and head under the pillow actions. Its driving a wedge between us which cannot be made a joke of. All i can hope for, that as the cold clears up that the snoring will too – i’m not sure how long our relationship can cope with this in bed with us too.

As for me, my deal breaker is hawking. Not just spitting, but hawking. I think thats worse than snoring…

(Sorry about your lunch)

Aren’t men lovely?

Do you have a deal breaker? Guys, what is yours?

Miss S x

(….or a cure for snoring, help, I don’t want to sleep on the sofa with the cats!)

Its time for another of my ‘currents’…

Current Book (s): I’ve actually  just finished quite a few books – I particularly enjoyed Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger (ok, its no Time Travellers Wife, but i think i enjoyed it even more for that reason alone) and excitingly i’m reading a lot of climate change books for my course.

Current Playlist: X Factor mainly, or whatever trash is on the music channels while i write essay after essay. I’m even dreaming Fight for your Love and Bad Boy lyrics.

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: Online pizza delivery, if someone started delivering cigarettes and too i’d never leave the house.

Current Colour: Teal Blue because of my new cardigan (it’s very Madmen, i just need to get a matching teal skinny belt for it)

Current Fetish: Cadbury’s Roses, huge box, fat Miss S.

Current Drink: Cava, cheap deals for Christmas ahoy!

Current Food: Pizza, Chinese, anything junky as its so cold outside – i really need to get healthy and get rid of this cold once and for all.

Current Favorite Show: I’ve not really had time to concentrate on TV recently, ive got behind on Flashforward and V and Life, I guess i can store them up for my Christmas holidays – 12 whole days off!

Current Wishlist: A Nintendo Wii with Wii fit plus. Address on request if anyone wants to send me one.

Current Needs: Tissues, new lungs, cream for my sore nose…motivation to get fit.

Current Triumphs: 75 % for my first university essay. Wham bam thank you man for that…

Current Bane(s) of my Existence: Still the cats, always hungry, always moaning. But so warm and cuddly when they climb into bed with me.

Current Celebrity Crush: Still Atta Yaqub… although i shouldn’t stalk him in nightclubs…oops!

Current Indulgence: Strawberry laces, kids sweets, junk food, staying in bed too long.

Current #1 Blessing: Friends… you’ve all been stars recently with all the advice, so thank you! (special shout out to Me! (my mate L), Last Year’s Girl and Ohthedecadence for a fab weekend…

Current Slang or Saying: My tummy hurts…. (still)

Current Outfit: DVB straight leg jeans and the new cardi, im hoping to get a new Smedley cashmere top this week, snugly for winter

Current Excitement: Christmas, as i said, 12 days off, home to see my nephew and family, maybe a trip to Liverpool and lots of eating and sleepy

Current Mood: Tired, a bit grumpy and sore. As usual.

Current Link: Me! My new site Miss Smidge

So, tell me what are your ‘currents’?

Miss S xx

…to the new home of Miss Smidge. Yes i’ve finally done it, i’ve got my own site.  So welcome, make yourself comfy and add me to your readers. I’m busy making this site pretty so keep popping back….

Oh and let me know you made it and what you think of the new site!

Miss S xx

Trust is a tenuous thing, like a new friendship, it’s easy to break, for the ties that bind you together to be torn apart with a single rip. In the midst of being happy, if trust has been broken then there are always doubts, worries, thoughts, that can create a chasm of silence between you.

Sometimes you have to accept that the trust that caused you to look in someone’s eyes and believed love was absolute has gone. The love hasn’t, but the total belief in your love as a pair has. Despite this realisation I hope that it can come back.

I know he loves me and i love him. That should be enough. I dislike the fact that doubts creep in; that I’ve joined the ranks of women that doubt the feelings their man tells them that they have.

Moving forward right now is difficult, I want to take the step, I want to be able to think, ok, throw yourself into this, because it’s worth it, he’s worth it, he thinks i’m worth it. But this is holding me back. But then I know that maybe these thoughts are one sided, I know that he loves me. I know when i look in his eyes that he feeling what he is telling me he is. I know that he cant disguise it.

Love cannot be fabricated if it’s not really there. It’s the one emotion that can’t.

So why cannot I accept that this is all real?

Kx

We talked some more last night about the big decision, particularly the fact it seems to be me that is hanging back from it. Of course, I have been slightly holding back from jumping in with my tiny little feet – i’ve been here twice before, and as I said it’s never worked out before.

I have a lot of thoughts racing around…will we row, can I deal with his mates cluttering the place up with fag ends and beer bottles watching sky sports; indeed ill have to deal with having all the sports channels (a condition of his), what if he goes out on a bender and doesn’t come home, will I become a paranoid eejit, will I become a wife cooking and cleaning and picking his pants up from the bedroom floor.

(Ok, I do that already and he is perfectly trustworthy if he doesn’t come home, I can track him down within 2 text messages as everyone of his friends always know where each of them are – yes I know its weird.)

He could curtail my sluttish behaviour, the kind we all do behind closed doors; my nightly wine drinking, watching trash TV, bathing, reading magazines, pretending the kitten is a teddy bear (she doesn’t appreciate huge hugs, i’m training her) and eating too many Chinese dinners. When do I get the space to do all these things? It’s all talk about his space, his friends, his football, but what about my time, my space, I like the time during the week to sit, quietly, relaxing, working, reading, tweeting and alone.

I will no longer be alone.

But then the house will never be empty either.

I can’t decide if this whole thing will be better or worse…

How do you deal with all these things?

In amongst the life clean up that I’ve been doing recently (although after bursts of excitement, most of it has gone totally flat, more on that later) i decided to take the lead of LizSara and have an online clear out.

And in doing so, I got a bit of a shock. Like most people who blog I use an RSS reader (mine of choice is Google reader fact fans) and I subscribe to a lot of blogs, you comment, I read you, that the way things work in Smidge land.

However, with twitter (this is me @miss_smidge) I’ve have gained a whole load of new readers (hi guys and gals) and I didn’t really notice my fellow bloggers dropping off, moving house or just simply disappearing.

Until today when I deleted 100 blogs from my reader that had simply stopped up dating.

WTF??

Ok some of you have moved and you’ve not given me your new address, i’ve failed to follow you or forgotten to delete the old address, but come on, 100 missing blogs, and all of them have given up since April?

What the hell is going on? Where are you all going? Is there something more fun than blogging going on that I don’t know about? Is it twitter’s fault? I must be missing a party somewhere, or maybe this blogging thing has got boring…

…Anyways, i’m doing a spring clean around here, so if you are still around and haven’t commented for a while or moved house recently, let me know and ill add your blog, or if you want to stay in my links then let me know that too.

Or if you have any new blogs that are worth checking out then pass them this way, i’m about to have to do some work rather than reading blogs instead!

Kx

As children, we were spoilt with ice creams, penny sweets, party hats, goody bags, teepes in the garden, sledging in sleeping bags, licking the cake mix, trips to the zoo, beach huts, if we asked, we generally got, life was one long summer’s day on the park.

As adults, we are all guilty of expecting things to come to us, to fall into our laps, to not have to work for the world to just say “yes, here have everything you want”.

But then you come home with pockets full of nothing and wonder where all the hopes and dreams you had as a child went to.

As children, we always had someone there to hold our hand, to open the door, to fasten our seatbelt, to kiss us good night and turn off the light. Someone to wipe away the tears and patch up the scratches and brakes, to put us back on the bike, to give us a push, to reassure, explain, teach.

As adults, we learn to rely on no one but ourselves, we let go of the hands that are there to help, we try to go it alone.

But then there comes a day when you sit awake in the middle of the night and think is there really anyone i can call?

We forget what we have been taught, that our childhood is there to help us as adults, that sunny days should be the norm, that finding joy in small things is one of life’s pleasures, that the child you were hasn’t really gone away.

We forget to blindly reach out a hand in the hope that someone will be there to grab it when you really need it, we forget to keep reaching out in case there is someone who needs us.

As children we didn’t understand what childhood was all about, as adults we seem to have forgotten.

Kx