turn summer trees to bones and ice, turn insect songs against the night, with words we build and words we break
Having spent the last 3 days in bed, i’ve had a lot of time to think. And read your blog posts. And all the creativity out there and the looking back and the review of the last 10 years (thanks H for the idea, its on its way) and i’ve come to realise something.
I’ve lost something.
I’m really not sure what it is, but sometime over the couple of years the drama left my life.
I used to love drama.
I used to love the fact that my life was like a soap opera.
I used to love the fact my life was non stop.
I was doing this boy and oh no, now i’m doing this boy too and this friend knows and that one doesn’t and oh my god where did i wake up this time and this band is the best i’ve ever fucking seen. I loved the whole “so where are you lets go out and party” and the “Yes my flat is 5 minutes away lets go drink some more” times.
(Ok, it might look from recent photos that i am still like this, but i’m not. Honestly)
But then I met him, the LTE and i became homebody me, the comfortable me, the quiet me.
But then i became the bitter me, the looking back me, the wondering where my fun and happy and exciting life went to me.
I missed the crazy me. I missed the non stop energiser bunny personality that i used to have. I missed the working in clubs, in bars. I missed bar boys and bar flies and personalities and all the crazy people i used to meet every weekend. I missed random numbers in my phone filed under the name of the bus stop we met in.
And i went back to the evil me, the soap opera me, lying cheating, not coming home me.
…and then because of me all that ended and i became alone me, rebound me, looking me.
But i still hadn’t lost me. Not yet.
Then i fell in love and i really did lose me(*).
…and ME is still lost….
It’s ME, that’s missing.
This is why i look at people and think i don’t fit in. Because now i have no idea who me is or where what could have been me for the last 31 years has gone to.
…and all the quick fix solutions i’ve put up on here in the last 6months don’t have a cat in hells chance of working if i can’t find me again.
But i’ve got bloody no idea where to start this time.
Miss S x
(*) If you need the history to this, go here, here, here and here….
It’s just a new you now…a fresh start…and you can be whatever you want to be xx
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smidge Reply:
December 15th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Thanks honey, i guess thats true. I just have no idea what i want the person to be!
[Reply]
PJB is so right on that but yeah, I know exactly what you mean. How can you be who you want to be when you don’t know?
If its any consolation, I don’t know who I want to be either, so you’re not alone.
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It’s only over the last 6 months that I’ve finally found out who I am, and who I want to be. It’s taken me years, and a hell of a lot of soul searching.
You’ll get there hun, I promise you x
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I think we’re all constantly changing and we’re never going to be the same person we were 10 years ago or even 10 minutes ago. Somebody is always going to come into our lives who changes our way of thinking, even for just a split second, it happens.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing though.
I collected all my old things from my dad’s the other day and it had piles of letters and poems I’d written myself from years ago. Obviously knowing I might get depressed in the future, I wrote this one letter to myself telling me to cheer the **** up and start enjoying life again and do you know what, it worked!
I think it worked because it was me telling myself to sort myself out. It doesn’t matter how many self help books, discussion groups, forums etc there are out there. If you can’t help yourself, nobody can.
So my advice is write yourself a letter that you’d like to read a few months from now and I bet you’ll be back to normal in no time.
P.S. you know I’m always up for a party with random people hahah! xx
P.P.S. you can be anything you want to be
[Reply]
I think we’re all constantly changing and we’re never going to be the same person we were 10 years ago or even 10 minutes ago. Somebody is always going to come into our lives who changes our way of thinking, even for just a split second, it happens.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing though.
I collected all my old things from my dad’s the other day and it had piles of letters and poems I’d written myself from years ago. Obviously knowing I might get depressed in the future, I wrote this one letter to myself telling me to cheer the **** up and start enjoying life again and do you know what, it worked!
I think it worked because it was me telling myself to sort myself out. It doesn’t matter how many self help books, discussion groups, forums etc there are out there. If you can’t help yourself, nobody can.
So my advice is write yourself a letter that you’d like to read a few months from now and I bet you’ll be back to normal in no time.
P.S. you know I’m always up for a party with random people hahah! xx
P.P.S you can be anything you want to be
[Reply]
smidge Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:26 pm
Im feeling A LOT better since i wrote this, i was just feeling a bit lost for a while. Thanks honey xx
P.s for some reason your comments went into my spam filter. No idea why
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