Smidge

A little (ok a lot) of self doubt has been creeping in recently. This though is not personal, but professional. I am in a happy place right now personally, but of course when there is too much happiness something has to give.

But, professional self doubt is for some reason worse than personal worries – it’s not necessarily about whether people like you, but whether people believe you can do the job you are being paid for. Fundamental really.

There are many people out there that hide self doubt particularly well. I am in awe of this talent. I, however, seem to pin ball from fire fighting to picking up pieces, to following in someone’s footsteps, to being the go-to girl for lots of people.

 Weeks goes by and my responses to my boss involve all or some of the following responses – done, complete, done before you asked. I am miss-efficient. I am smart, savvy and can report write like a demon.

But colleagues? Don’t seem to appreciate me right now. So who do I believe?

Maybe it’s not the bosses that are the problem, maybe it is the colleagues, the people on your level or just higher (but not your boss). Work is a backstabbing business.

Do people really succeed by criticising others, by picking holes in other people’s work; undermining them to the point that you feel your work just isn’t good enough? Or am I being paranoid. Or am I just awful at taking criticism?

Whatever, I need to get out of this fear-funk.

Having a blog is like having an alter ego. I like that. It pleases me. I like to get out of my own head, get it down on paper (ok, html) and then at any point in time head backwards so i can see what i was doing, feeling at any point over the last 3ish years.

On here my alter ego is obviously Miss S.

What people probably don’t know is that I have an alter ego in real life. In fact I have 3. And I use them for different parts of me.

Firstly, the IRL alter egos; Miss H and Mrs E. Searching on the internet, Mrs E is the most common one, Miss H is only on Facebook. I will soon be Miss H again. Mrs E will no longer exist.

But then there is a third alter ego. This alter-ego is also 31 years old. Before i was Miss H and then Miss E – I was Baby B.

Baby B has, on paper, a life.

The reason for this is a strange quirk of mine. I hate people knowing the small things about me; like how Miss H prefers rogan josh curries, or doesn’t walk very much, or eats out too much. So, Baby B likes to complain. Baby B signs a lot of petitions and enters a lot of competitions. Mr Takeaway owner knows her. Mr Taxi driver does too.

Baby B, however, does not exist and will never exist. You can’t search for her, you can’t find her. You can’t add her as a friend on facebook, or twitter, or stalk her. Baby B does not leave a paper trail like Miss S or Miss H or Mrs E.

I like this.

Baby B never got the chance to live, to become Miss B. But, through my strangest of quirks, she lives.

If you could invent an alter ego, what or who would it be, and why?

The scene, perching on stools at a bar in Leith. Drinking: glass of white wine. Atmosphere: nervous. The plan: fancy meal in fancier restaurant. The fear: he was going to propose.

Of course he didnt, but if there had ever been a more perfect evening to do so, i cant imagine one.

The Boy it seems is on a quest to impress. Forget roses, forget chocolate, it seems the way to my heart is a loin of Border’s roe deer with a gratin of salsify and sauce grand veneur. Or, possibly ceviche of halibut with mango and passion fruit. Or how about crab ‘marie rose’ and veal tartare with white raddish and basque pepper? Or all of the above and more.

7 courses. 6 wines. Champagne. An adorable wine waiter who put up with me complaining about being served chardonay (Je le déteste). The best looking cheese trolley i have ever seen and a waiter who understands my need for strong and blue only. Haggis bon bons. An amuse bouche that contained my favourite thing on the whole menu – strangely – calf’s tongue. Food that looked like art, divine.

But then that is why restaurant Martin Wishart has a michelin star.

Im spoiled, i know i am.

There are no photos. One can not whip out ones IPhone at a such a place.

(but check out the Website)

One can only dream of getting to eat like that more than once in your life.

..and the Boy? Well he’s set the bar so high now, i can not imagine what he could do next.

/gloat over

For those who don’t know Lent began at lunch time yesterday and lasts for the next 40 days. Now, I’ve seen quite a few people saying they are giving things up… laptops, coffee, any drink apart from water, washing, men, nandos, buying new clothes, twitter, procrastination, even someone giving up spaghetti (err ok) and the obvious ones like chocolate and alcohol.

I do wonder how many people realise that Lent is meant to be a fast, not a selective ‘give’ up. A time to not indulge like we all do so much of now, a time to err, get closer to god and await the resurrection – at Easter – which is why we celebrate it (now with chocolate eggs, don’t ask me why, but surely shops putting them out during lent is getting the whole thing completely wrong).

Anyway, you’ve got it – yes, I was a good Methodist. You can pet me now.

(Possibly the reason why I got married so young, but we wont go into that)

Let me get one thing straight, despite a few remaining religious views hanging around; I am not giving anything up for lent. In fact the whole giving things up frustrates me beyond belief. Why not the rest of the time? Why not just accept your vices and then compensate for them in other ways?

However, there are a few things that I wish other people would give up.

Feel free to add your own and ill see if I can get them banned next time I go to church (ahem).

Tall people standing in front of short people at gigs. No need. There should be a height tier system meaning I always end up on the front row.

Dawdling. Or stopping dead in the street. A very common occurrence in Edinburgh with all the tourists. I carry a brolly for this reason. Stab.

Posh people giving birth. We have enough yah’s here already thank you very much.

Hawking. The worst habit the Boy has. Also see ‘spitting on the heart on the royal mile’ (supposedly for good luck, but i’m afraid to say most of them are Hibbies spitting on their rivals Hearts).

Complaining about my weight. I am 4 foot 11 and have a BMI of 23. This puts me firmly in the middle-top of being OK. I am not skinny. I am normal. I even have love handles, a wee pot and a bit of cellulite. I am not a mystical being just because I look tiny.

ID-ing me. Ok, it was flattering all the way through my twenties, but now it has officially become a chore as it adds time to the process of buying booze and it getting down my throat.

Asking me when a) i’m getting married b) settling down or c) having children like my sister. Apart from moments of baby rage madness, not anytime soon. Thanks.

Trying to get me to move through life a little quicker or do things with any urgency. I like being a sloth and seriously, the world won’t end if I don’t make that phone call right now. Or even this week. Or month. Or year. Look I know from experience, things can be put off indefinitely.

Whining on twitter or facebook that they are lonely or miss their man. How-sad-are-you syndrome kicks in and I have no sympathy. I’m not even slightly sorry about this one.

And finally…

The people that need to give up: Peter Andre, Tess Daly (I don’t care what her husband has done, I still cant stand her), Mitch Winehouse, the new Sugarbabes, The Spice Girls – especially Geri, and all of Girls Aloud apart from Nicola.

Feel free to add your suggestions…

“Am I the only one who follows people on twitter just because they annoy me?” – a fellow blogger recently. My answer was, of course no.

It happens with blogs I read too; the ones I read, just because they piss me off.

Now, by piss me off, I don’t mean they piss me off because I’m ‘jealous’ of their lives,  of their readership, comments or ability to write 500 words eloquently. No, it’s because they come across as utterly self centred and whiny. I also love to hate their excuses for the ‘haters’ – that its jealousy – oh and their come back – stop reading…

(No, I won’t stop reading as you make me feel better and worse about myself all at the same time and for some perverse reason I enjoy that…)

Anyways, there is a point to this. I’ve been asked many a time whether I think people are like their blogs and the answer 99.9% is yes. The others are fakes.

But the question of how we make people ‘feel’ by our blogs or tweets or status updates on the myriad of social networking sites is not a common one. Do we make people worry about us? Care about us? Make people feel better about themselves? Or like the few ‘special’ blogs on our lists that make us feel warm, happy and part of a community?

Or is it because they bring us the highly enjoyable, slightly psychotic feelings that only a really irritating person can give us? Safe in the knowledge that our happy annoyance will never be known. Or is this just me?

I’m spending another evening not being able to sleep, despite being totally shattered it seems my brain just cant shut down.

So i’m channel flicking. I’ve happened on Skins which seems to have become another version of Shameless but without the ‘comedy’. But it’s not the programme itself that’s caught my attention, but the adverts. Every advert break contains yet another band of i’ve a) never heard of and b) really despise on first hearing.

I’m confused at to what point I stop listening to new indie/rock music, or having any idea what genre half this stuff is. I though last year was bad (who the hell are Vampire Weekend for a start?) but now i’ve seriously lost all musical train of knowledge.

I used to listen to the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Faith No More. Nirvana, Blind Melon and Soundgarden. Blur, Stone Roses, the Charlatans. I loved Rage Against the Machine being No.1. I loved ‘rock’ music.

Once.

But now i’m 30 it seems my ears can’t cope with this new breed. I hide behind Ray La Montagne and Xavier Rudd, Van Morrison and the Counting Crows. Anything soft, melodic and safe. Or old like Ocean Colour Scene. As Cynical commented on my last post, one of my favourite albums ever..Mosely Shoals came out 14 years ago.

14 f-ing years ago.

Where the hell has the time gone?

And when will the ‘good’ music be back?

I dread asking this question, but someone out there must know something at least worth half a listen?

It’s the return of the Monday Sundries post…otherwise known as my brain has yet to wake up yet and write something meaningful.

(…actually, today that is a lie as i’m busy finishing my first essay of the term, plus the accompanying presentation. Gulp…)

Anyways… here is this week’s news…

…this morning i received notification from the Sherrif Court that my divorce application has been processed and the Ex has been informed. If all goes well (and with him, you are never sure) ill be back to Miss H in 35 days… 10 years over in one quick form and a £90 cheque. Ill be writing more about this in the coming weeks, i’m sure, but what’s really weird is that just as ill be getting my Decree ill be off to a wedding to celebrate the start of a couple’s life together rather than the end…

…we attempted the Glasgow ‘subcrawl’ this weekend and failed miserably. Well, the boy did having drunkenly asked to go home and then falling asleep and wibbling on my shoulder all the way home on the train. For those who don’t know what ‘subcrawl’ is, its 15 stops around the Glasgow underground, stopping at a pub at every stop. I wont tell you how many stops and pubs we managed, but it was pathetic i tell you. PATHETIC! I blame tequila. I’m sure that isn’t on the list of appropriate drinks…

…Valentines Day… hum, after last year’s pathetic attempt at ermmm achieving squat all, i went all out this year and got the Boy cupcakes from @rainbowcupcaker . Chocolate cakes with frosted cream icing and pink hearts.

Although presenting them to him first thing on Sunday morning when his hangover was in full swing wasn’t the best of ideas… He did however present me with 12 red roses, topping last years 1 by a country mile. However, the kitten has taken a fancy to them and has be decapitating them at a rate of one a day, the remaining 9 are looking rather sorry for themselves!

…however, Valentines is not yet over, as the Boy has organised a ‘special’ meal for Thursday night, for which i require a ‘special’ dress. This has been duly bought from Hobbs – here it is… The Dress. It’s a little unusual for me, who always wears black, but i’m branching out ok? It will also do for the wedding next month as well which is here.. wow! … now to find a suitable bag and shoes. It has a certain ‘Madmen’ appeal, doesn’t it?

…what else? Well, this week i’m also of to see Ocean Colour Scene on Wednesday night (my xmas present), I start my meds and well, finally, the Boy is moving in…

Ok, not for a couple of months, but i just had to let you know….

How is your week looking? Any news for me?

I didn’t want to let this pass so for the readers who don’t have my password to the last post (..and you can have it, as long as a) you don’t mind too much information and b) don’t mind a bit of the serious, get in touch…) here is a short sharp and very sweet meme.

I’ve been tagged by Helen and Pinkjellybaby for the Beautiful Blogger Award. I don’t want to sing my own trumpet or blow my own praises, but anyone who has a snotty cold and a gorgeous cold sore must be beautiful…right?

Anyways, here is the lovely award. Nice eh?

And for it, all i have to do is tell you 7 interesting things about me. Here you go…

(P.s…sorry for the quality of the photos!)

1) I still have the fringe I had when I was 4 (?)… I give you the evidence..

2)  I used to be in the Scouts and went to a world jamboree in Holland aged 17 (such a geek!)

3) I used to have permed hair for most of my teenage years… and wore a bump (and had gorgeous guinea pigs called sooty and sweep!)

4) I used to be a whizz in the garden, ok i might be tiny, but that’s a huge lettuce! Its bigger than my head!

5) I used to horse ride regularly…id still love to go now, but i live in a city and rarely get the chance…

6) I had amazing fashion sense in the 80s…check out the leggings and ankle boots, i could dress like this today!

7) and finally…ten years ago i got married, ill soon be divorced, but here is me in my wedding dress about to get eaten by my bouquet!

I’m meant to tag 7 of you, but i think most have you have done this, so if you haven’t been tagged yet, its your turn!