A little (ok a lot) of self doubt has been creeping in recently. This though is not personal, but professional. I am in a happy place right now personally, but of course when there is too much happiness something has to give.
But, professional self doubt is for some reason worse than personal worries – it’s not necessarily about whether people like you, but whether people believe you can do the job you are being paid for. Fundamental really.
There are many people out there that hide self doubt particularly well. I am in awe of this talent. I, however, seem to pin ball from fire fighting to picking up pieces, to following in someone’s footsteps, to being the go-to girl for lots of people.
Weeks goes by and my responses to my boss involve all or some of the following responses – done, complete, done before you asked. I am miss-efficient. I am smart, savvy and can report write like a demon.
But colleagues? Don’t seem to appreciate me right now. So who do I believe?
Maybe it’s not the bosses that are the problem, maybe it is the colleagues, the people on your level or just higher (but not your boss). Work is a backstabbing business.
Do people really succeed by criticising others, by picking holes in other people’s work; undermining them to the point that you feel your work just isn’t good enough? Or am I being paranoid. Or am I just awful at taking criticism?
Whatever, I need to get out of this fear-funk.
Having a blog is like having an alter ego. I like that. It pleases me. I like to get out of my own head, get it down on paper (ok, html) and then at any point in time head backwards so i can see what i was doing, feeling at any point over the last 3ish years.
On here my alter ego is obviously Miss S.
What people probably don’t know is that I have an alter ego in real life. In fact I have 3. And I use them for different parts of me.
Firstly, the IRL alter egos; Miss H and Mrs E. Searching on the internet, Mrs E is the most common one, Miss H is only on Facebook. I will soon be Miss H again. Mrs E will no longer exist.
But then there is a third alter ego. This alter-ego is also 31 years old. Before i was Miss H and then Miss E – I was Baby B.
Baby B has, on paper, a life.
The reason for this is a strange quirk of mine. I hate people knowing the small things about me; like how Miss H prefers rogan josh curries, or doesn’t walk very much, or eats out too much. So, Baby B likes to complain. Baby B signs a lot of petitions and enters a lot of competitions. Mr Takeaway owner knows her. Mr Taxi driver does too.
Baby B, however, does not exist and will never exist. You can’t search for her, you can’t find her. You can’t add her as a friend on facebook, or twitter, or stalk her. Baby B does not leave a paper trail like Miss S or Miss H or Mrs E.
I like this.
Baby B never got the chance to live, to become Miss B. But, through my strangest of quirks, she lives.
If you could invent an alter ego, what or who would it be, and why?