I’ve always wondered if I gave up on my marriage too easily.
I didn’t meticulously plan my wedding down to the last second, the dress was £80, the shoes from New Look, the evening reception at the village hall, the song for the first dance chosen as we arrived at the venue. For me it was all about the vows, not what format the day took. It was a celebration of us meeting and making us forever. As you may be able to tell I took my vows seriously.
8 months later I packed a bag and walked out of the home we had bought together.
Yes he cheated (allegedly) yes he stayed out all night with no notice of where and when he would be home, yes he took drugs, yes he threw things at me in a fit of rage. Yes I was right to leave. But was I right to give up on something that 8 months previously had meant so much to me? I ask myself this question a lot.
Yes, I am happier, far happier now. Yes, I may have found the man of my dreams, the one to better the man I married thinking that he was. Yes, it was the right decision, or so I have heard, he had many issues after me, with money, with friends, some of whom still hate him to this day. But could I really not have done anything about it? He was meant to be the man I was with for life.
In by giving up my marriage vows, I had broken a promise I had made not in front of friends and family but in front of my church, the church I had religiously (!) gone to since I was a child. It messed with my commitment to something I had thought a constant in my life until that point. My decision rocked my beliefs, that I would never turn my back on something that meant so much to me.
I know I made the right decision, but I also know I made a mistake with my own character. Those long held beliefs I thought were rock solid were actually wrong. I could, should, did walk away if I felt that despite my commitment to it, his was lacking. Whilst now, I know that despite my doubts over my decision, that it was a right one.
…and that is what I need to forgive myself about.
This is part of 30 days of truth, a blogging project. You can read Day 2 here. If you are joining in, leave me a comment and I will link to you. Let me know what you need to forgive yourself for as well!
Smidge Note: – It is time to get this blog back on the straight and narrow and out of password protected hell. I’m sure that in time they will be back, in fact I can promise that they will be back, but I don’t want to scream and moan right now, I want to write. I found the 30 days of truth on Hope Dies Last, but it originally comes from Girl Vaughn. Basically it is what it says on the post. 30 writing prompts for 30 days.
30 truths.
Now as I never promise to complete anything, (something always comes up or gets in the way) I don’t expect to either do all of them or any of them with the next 30 days. Not really in the spirit of the challenge. I’m changing the rules right from the start – as I am all for the spirit of positivity right now, I’ll skip no.1 – something I hate about myself and jump straight to no.2 something I love about myself.
It’ll come as a surprise to those who know me IRL that I am able to find one thing to love about myself. This is the girl after all who once told her mum she had never been happy. Ever. Not when she was 14 and hating everything about the world. When she was 25.
I just couldn’t see anything in me that there was to like, let alone love. I couldn’t see how anyone could ever love me, that my friends where they because they had to be, lumped with me in class, at scouts, in my village, because they knew my sister, because we went to university together. I couldn’t see how I could have friends because I didn’t love myself.
Nearly a year ago I wrote this post, a thinly disguised scream into the world about depression.
That some days I just can’t get out of bed.
That some days I just want to turn my head against the wall.
That some days this is one day, that some days that is the next day and the next day and the next day.
So, in truth the one thing that I love about myself is that I have been able to recognise this.
That in the last year I have been able to take huge steps forward in how I see myself. I no longer hate myself.
…and that without me knowing that one day came along and I just kept on getting out of bed…and that the day came when the sun started shining and it has kept on shining.
Truthfully – what do you love about yourself?
P.s if you want to join in, the full list is here.
right here right now
I’m out on a beach, sat on a rock, thinking of you and the love I’ve got
Just over two and a half years ago, B and I went on our first date (proper date that is, not snogging a lot in a club somewhere) to the beach at North Berwick. It was May, the weather was scorching and I was wearing teeny tiny shorts. I may have made a good impression that day. We walked on the beach and had a few drinks before driving back into the sunset to have a bottle of wine at home.
It was a good day.
We went back today. It was time. We walked on the beach, had a rather nice brunch at The Ship Inn, ran into friends and wished we had a dog to walk. It wasn’t hot, i wasn’t in shorts but the sun shone brightly, the surfers were out in force and there were crazy people in bikini’s to laugh at…
North Berwick beach
Hot surfers – yes in Scotland!
Happy B
Happy me…
The steaks are now sizzling, the Villa Maria Sauvignon is chilling and all is well in Smidge world.
It was a good day, a very good day.