Trust is a tenuous thing, like a new friendship, it’s easy to break, for the ties that bind you together to be torn apart with a single rip. In the midst of being happy, if trust has been broken then there are always doubts, worries, thoughts, that can create a chasm of silence between you.
Sometimes you have to accept that the trust that caused you to look in someone’s eyes and believed love was absolute has gone. The love hasn’t, but the total belief in your love as a pair has. Despite this realisation I hope that it can come back.
I know he loves me and i love him. That should be enough. I dislike the fact that doubts creep in; that I’ve joined the ranks of women that doubt the feelings their man tells them that they have.
Moving forward right now is difficult, I want to take the step, I want to be able to think, ok, throw yourself into this, because it’s worth it, he’s worth it, he thinks i’m worth it. But this is holding me back. But then I know that maybe these thoughts are one sided, I know that he loves me. I know when i look in his eyes that he feeling what he is telling me he is. I know that he cant disguise it.
Love cannot be fabricated if it’s not really there. It’s the one emotion that can’t.
So why cannot I accept that this is all real?
Kx
right here right now
then we watch TV, until we fall asleep, not very exciting, but it's you and me and we'll, always
We talked some more last night about the big decision, particularly the fact it seems to be me that is hanging back from it. Of course, I have been slightly holding back from jumping in with my tiny little feet – i’ve been here twice before, and as I said it’s never worked out before.
I have a lot of thoughts racing around…will we row, can I deal with his mates cluttering the place up with fag ends and beer bottles watching sky sports; indeed ill have to deal with having all the sports channels (a condition of his), what if he goes out on a bender and doesn’t come home, will I become a paranoid eejit, will I become a wife cooking and cleaning and picking his pants up from the bedroom floor.
(Ok, I do that already and he is perfectly trustworthy if he doesn’t come home, I can track him down within 2 text messages as everyone of his friends always know where each of them are – yes I know its weird.)
He could curtail my sluttish behaviour, the kind we all do behind closed doors; my nightly wine drinking, watching trash TV, bathing, reading magazines, pretending the kitten is a teddy bear (she doesn’t appreciate huge hugs, i’m training her) and eating too many Chinese dinners. When do I get the space to do all these things? It’s all talk about his space, his friends, his football, but what about my time, my space, I like the time during the week to sit, quietly, relaxing, working, reading, tweeting and alone.
I will no longer be alone.
But then the house will never be empty either.
I can’t decide if this whole thing will be better or worse…
How do you deal with all these things?
In amongst the life clean up that I’ve been doing recently (although after bursts of excitement, most of it has gone totally flat, more on that later) i decided to take the lead of LizSara and have an online clear out.
And in doing so, I got a bit of a shock. Like most people who blog I use an RSS reader (mine of choice is Google reader fact fans) and I subscribe to a lot of blogs, you comment, I read you, that the way things work in Smidge land.
However, with twitter (this is me @miss_smidge) I’ve have gained a whole load of new readers (hi guys and gals) and I didn’t really notice my fellow bloggers dropping off, moving house or just simply disappearing.
Until today when I deleted 100 blogs from my reader that had simply stopped up dating.
WTF??
Ok some of you have moved and you’ve not given me your new address, i’ve failed to follow you or forgotten to delete the old address, but come on, 100 missing blogs, and all of them have given up since April?
What the hell is going on? Where are you all going? Is there something more fun than blogging going on that I don’t know about? Is it twitter’s fault? I must be missing a party somewhere, or maybe this blogging thing has got boring…
…Anyways, i’m doing a spring clean around here, so if you are still around and haven’t commented for a while or moved house recently, let me know and ill add your blog, or if you want to stay in my links then let me know that too.
Or if you have any new blogs that are worth checking out then pass them this way, i’m about to have to do some work rather than reading blogs instead!
Kx