After I apologised at the beginning of my last wedding-ish-engagement-type post and well, you all reassured me, I am giving up on worrying about what you all think. After all this is blog, my life, sugary crap and all. So, despite the risk of making you all want to puke on a regular basis, The Mr + Mrs Smidge Wedding is going to become a semi-weekly feature.
It is going to be contained tho, as I am going to be taking part in Wedding Wednesday’s hosted by Something Charming. So yeah, avoid Wednesday’s from now on if you don’t give a sh1t about flowers, venues or breakdowns in communication.
Actually I have no idea why I am explaining myself about this one, as it was never going to be long before the Smidge wedding became a feature of this blog. I am the girl who started her pinterest board the night she got engaged after all.
However, I am also the girl who has already had her first mini-meltdown over the wedding, even before the date or the venue has been set, at the very scary thought of standing in front of 150 people I really don’t know very well.
(My family (and friends) is tiny. B’s isn’t)
It was a meltdown that had me ranting about every little tiny thing and almost called off the whole thing before it had even got off the ground. It solicited a very grovelling apology.
Yes, I am the bride who is petrified of being a bride.
It is all starting very well isn’t it?
Smidgezilla xx
P.s pop over to pinterest where I have just pinned some very lovely but out of my price league dresses. A girl can dream can’t she?
/start saccharine shite
To any readers who don’t give a rat’s ass about marriage or engagements or rings then I apologise for the following post. It isn’t tagged as saccharine shite for nothing. For all you who do care, I unashamedly talk wedding stuff. Hoorah. Btw If you missed my views on marriage, proposals and previous ring choices as well as one of the best catching out a commenter pows! you can catch up here.
One of the downsides of our engagement is that B didn’t buy me an engagement ring to proudly show off. He didn’t buy me one, not because he proposed on the spur of the moment (he didn’t, he asked my dad, he bought a silver ring to do the deed with) but because I am a girl of unusual tastes.
Basically buying me the biggest solitaire diamond B could have afforded wouldn’t have gone down well with me. Whilst ‘oh pretty’ and ‘oh sparkly’ and very classic, I must admit I find them rather boring, samey, unimaginative. I apologise if I offend half the female population of this country by saying this – I think you are either a diamond solitaire girl or you are not. I am not.
(Although it might actually be to do with the fact that my sister’s diamond solitaire is a knockout, anything we could have chosen just wouldn’t have compared. Ahem)
I am also an indecisive girl. I’d hate to buy for me, I even half hate choosing the ring myself – I started out wanting a diamond cluster, and then to a 3 stone trilogy ring with a sapphire, to finally a solitaire sapphire. Because it is so unusual (and because I have tiny fingers) it is being made. But, you can get the idea below. Pretty pretty.
In all seriousness, the ring I wear for B had to be something different, as well, we aren’t your usual couple, there is something err, odd about us – something that is regularly pointed out. We are not cookie cutter, so we have chosen something that reflects us – classic, but different, quirky, unusual – me and B.
Miss S x
P.s here is a recent photo of me and B at a friend’s wedding celebrating our engagement. Love.
/end saccharine shite.
Writing that post yesterday made me think a lot more about why I spent a lot of the weekend in tears and the answer was the same as it always is: Low-self-bloody-esteem. I sat randomly clicking through my blog last night, it seems that over the last 4 years I have written a hell of a lot of posts on self-esteem, so many it is actually almost the theme of this blog.
I’ve written compliments to myself.
I’ve tried to give myself a kick up the arse.
I’ve come out the other side.
I started a happiness book (and promptly forgot about it).
I have even had guest bloggers writing on the topic.
Maybe I should re-write my about page to read: Smidge, the diary of a small girl living with no self esteem?
…but despite all the posts, I have never come close to fixing me, or finding the root cause. I could blame it on bullying as a child, on my adoption, on the shitty relationships I have had, or just a mental instability in my brain.
If you have low self-esteem then you are better than you think you are.
I have read this sentence over and over again. It has hit me square in the face. To me it tells me that I am not as bad as I make out. This means that somewhere inside there is something good to celebrate. Right?
My low self esteem comes from friendships, for years I have struggled with them. For years I have been telling myself people don’t like me – why would anyone want to be friends with me? But that is why people don’t want to be friends with me. I give myself bad press. I tell them they don’t want to be. If I believe that they will do too. I’ve said it is time to change many times, I have told myself to get happy many times, but I have never actually understood before how and why I needed to.
If you have low self-esteem then you are better than you think you are.
I do now.
So here we go….I am a good friend and I believe that.
I needed to tell myself this. What do you need to tell yourself?
Miss Sx